Loathing is Easier than Loving (Jamilton Soulmate AU)

A. Ham

Thomas's POV:

After calling Mr. Washington and explaining to him that Alexander was sick, I tried to figure out what to do about the all day storm. Clearly, Alexander had little control over himself and was absolutely terrified. I've also concluded that during storms, he experiences some sort of visions or hallucinations or something.

Before I have the chance to speak, Alexander speaks up. "Whe- when I was s-s-seventeen... a hurricane destroyed my town. I- I didn't d-drown. I... I couldn't seem to... to just die already."

I'm taken aback by the rawness of his voice, the strength of his terror evident in every word. "You don't have to explain, you know," I say, trying to get comfortable on the cheaply made futon.

"If I'm stuck with you for the rest of my damn life, you're gonna need to understand," he spits out, whimpering as thunder rumbles outside. I consider trying to comfort him or something, but I don't know what I would say. Or do. For now I'll just listen. "That's-thats when I started writing. I wrote down everything I could see. The people left... well, some of my writing got published in a local paper. The town... they raised money for me to come to New York. That's how I got here. I found some friends, a job, I met you... the opposite of a friend... and tried to make a life. And now it's all fucking ruined. Because I'm fucking fused with you. I hate this..."

He trials off and I sigh. 3 months of living together, and he still hates me. I'd hoped we could at least be on decent terms, but no. He just despises me. "Listen, I know you hate me, but saying that 7 times a day isn't going to change the situation. Like it or not, we're stuck with each other."

"It's not even you that I hate!" He sighs.

"Come again?" Of course it's me that he hates. He's hated me since the moment we met.

"You fucking heard me. I don't hate you. I don't like you, but I don't hate you. You annoy the shit out of me but it's relatively endearing. I just hate what terrible soulmates we are." He pauses, uncovering his face only to see lightning and hide it again. "We can't agree on anything. I came here to make a life. I want to be important, I want to make a difference, I want to have a legacy. If I want any of those things, I can't have you literally by my side every second of every day. We disagree too much."

To be fair, he makes a good point, but I'm still not sure where he's going with this.

"I hated you at first. I wish I still hated you because that would be easier. Then I'd have somebody else to blame. But now I can't blame you because I don't hate you which leaves me to blame myself because if I wasn't your soulmate or had never punched you and gotten us fused I wouldn't have ruined my future and every dream I had in life."

Alexander takes a deep breath, his shoulders shaking. I try to think of an appropriate response. "Holy hell, Alexander," is all that comes out. I try again. "If you don't like me, why not just blame me for ruining everything like you used to?"

He shrugs. "Because I used to hate you with every fiber of my being."

"Encouraging."

He lets out a breath that may have been a feeble laugh. "You're a prick."

"I know."

"Fuck you."

"Later." I regret the word as soon as I say it, but force myself to smirk when his head shoots up. "Feel free to keep ranting about your mixed feelings about me, although it's not very enlightening."

"Well let me enlighten you," he grumbles. He grabs the notebook and turns to a page in the middle. I think it was written recently. "I wasn't planning on ever letting you read this but here." He hands me the notebook. I'm not sure whether to laugh or be honored. "This passage, and this passage only."

My Dear Jefferson,

It is entitled. The first page and a half are basically a more detailed recap of everything he just said. The second half of the second page catches my eye.

In summary, Jefferson, I dislike you. As I have made perfectly clear, I believe you to be an irredeemable dickhead. Unfortunately for all parties involved, I find your stubborn refusal to be likable, somehow endearing. Against my better judgement, and in what may be a strange case of Stockholm Syndrome, I find myself attracted to you.

Not only are you hot, as I have admitted to you once before, you are one of the most opinionated people I've had the pleasure or disdain to meet. I disagree with near everything you believe, but you believe it all steadily and my thoughts don't sway you. As irritating as it is, the steadfastness is impressive and mildly attractive.

I've found myself falling for you in the most juxtaposed way. Everything you do that pisses me off just draws me in further. Force feeding me meals in your own self interest feels like compassion. Our bitter arguments have become less malicious and almost friendly. In the last few months you've come to treat me almost like an equal. I know you hold none of the same sentiments for me, which is why your eyes will never be graced with this letter, so I shall stop here, before I give the impression that I actually like you. I do not like you. You're a prick.

Cold regards to piss you off,
A. Ham

I hand him back the notebook. "Fucking hell," I say, for lack of a better way to express what I'm thinking.

"If you make one mocking remark I will not hesitate to punch you," Alexander says. "There's nothing that could come from it that's worse than this."

The storm has slowed down, and I think he's feeling better, but he still has his face covered. "Well I was going to ask if you'd be interested in being my boyfriend, but you've reminded me a few times that my 'tone of voice' sounds like mockery. If that's the case, I'd rather not have my words misinterpreted."

Alexander looks up at me bewilderedly. "Are you... are you serious? Because if you are, I mean, I'm down, obviously, but if not, kindly fuck off and continue your day."

I laugh, ruffling his hair. He swats me away. "I'm deadly serious, which means I'm now dating an angry gremlin." Alexander glares at me. "A cute angry gremlin," I concede. A rumble of thunder is accompanied by a flash of lightning and Alexander squeaks, covering his face. "Who... looks like he really needs a hug."

Alexander shakes his head. "Fuck off," he mumbles, scooting towards me nonetheless.