Depressed Playgirl

Lonely

Ah, yes.. All of this sounds more like a playgirl's confession. It might be right. 

I became like this maybe because of my self-greed. I wanted the attention. 

When I was just a little girl, my family were hardly home sometimes. My father would go to his workplace and came home late everyday. My mother would sometimes go to her friends' houses , parties or any events , my brother would hang out with his friends and my sister was already far away from us because of her university. 

While I stayed at home minding my own business. I was lonely.

Ever heard a person said, your behaviors towards others reflects, your parents' behaviors towards you. Well, I don't want to expose her too much. I will just keep it short. My mother used to pressure me. But that's not all. She would constantly glare at me for doing or saying something. She never really trust me. It's true. She trust her friends more than her family.

Life was already hard as it is. School is the only place I can calm my mentality. There are nice people there. But not all of them wants to be friends with me. I am not special in anyway. The teachers sometimes do things that is a bit too much. It burdens the students there. They sometimes doesn't realize this. Who are students to tell the teachers' wrongdoings?

Not only the teachers, the students also have these kind of attitude. I know I can't expect them to be the way that I want them to be. I know we are not perfect. I know. It just that.. Maybe my stress can't keep up with it. 

I can't help feeling irritated at small things. Even if it is not that big of a deal. My friends said I like to argue. I argue a lot. It just happens unconsciously. I am used to it. Even at home, my family is the one that do the arguing. I just happened to get used to it and make it as my habit.

I never really care what people think of me. I really don't. 

I don't tell my problems, troubles, doubts, secrets or anything to anyone. I don't trust them. Even if they are my friends. I can't. It's just another habit that I can't let go off. I have a big trust issue. I have a lot of things I am keeping in. My friends had no idea. Maybe they do.

I like to keep things to myself. Yes, I know it will become unbearable someday. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to listen to any consultation or any advise or even if they are trying to comfort me. It will saddens me even more. I am always on my own in my own world. 

Sometimes, I even thought about running away from home or committing suicide. I just can't take it sometimes. But when I think about the people that I cared. I resisted. Like I said, I don't want to make them worried.

I want them to see my biggest and brightest smile possible. So they wouldn't know the dark and deepest side of me. 

This is exactly why. 

When suddenly males started to appearing into my life, they made me feel loved. I don't really love them but their care for me made me think "Maybe life wasn't all bad". They helped me realized this and yet they didn't even know. 

I am insecure and still is. So, whenever anyone compliments me, I don't believe they really mean it. I would just assumed they were just joking. But it's amusing to hear people do that to me. Sometimes I would lie to myself that they really mean it. Haha..

But I guess.. Nothing ever stays with you forever.