Yellow Dress//Bill Denbrough

T e n

some rights
tw: mild abuse

"Hey, honey. What are you reading?" Carn's mother knocks on her doorframe, stepping into view.

The young girl snaps her pregnancy book shut, using the sonogram photo that she just got yesterday at another appointment as a bookmark.

"Just something I got at the library today," she replies, technically telling the truth.

"Oh, you went to the library today? As if you don't have enough books already?" Carn's mom jokes.

"This one's really important. And I didn't have it."

"Really important, huh? School project?"

No more lies. You have to tell her, Carn. It's not fair to her to keep going around the bend.

"No, mom.... Pregnancy."

"What do you mean?" her eyebrows furrow in perplexity, not understanding what her daughter is getting at.

"Here, do you want to sit down?" Carnation pats the space next to her, where her mother sits.

"So, mom. I've kept this from you for too long. Over a month too long."

Her knuckles are paper white, Carn notices, because her hands are balled into tight fists.

"Bill and I are having a baby, mom."

Silence permeates the air. Her mother's eyes are squeezed shut, and her lips were moving hastily and soundlessly.

"I have a picture," she reaches for the book. "It's so, so incredible."

Still no response.

"Mom?" Carn asks softly, reaching for her shaking hand. But she's slapped across the face.

She slapped me. My mother slapped me.

"When did this happen?" her voice is domineering and cold.

"On your wedding night," Carn whispers as she nurses her cheek, stained with a bright red handprint.

"On my- on my wedding night?"

"I'm so, so sorry. I know, it was your night. We just got so caught up in the moment and-"

"And broke the seventh commandment. Thou shall not commit adultery. Pre-marital sex is a adulterous, Carnation. That's a mortal sin."

"I know, but it was completely consensual, and full of so much love. And I don't regret it."

"You will when you burn in hell."

"But I love him so much!" the despair in Carn's voice grows with intensity. "I'm never going to love someone as much as I love him!"

"It doesn't matter! You're unmarried children! How dare you?"

"We've only done it three times, I swear-"

"Three times?!?!"

"I'm so sorry, I just-" she pleads.

"I can't even look at you right now. I feel like I don't even know who you are, anymore."

"Mama, it's me! It's Carnation! Your daughter!" she cowers in the corner of her bed, tears rushing from her sea green eyes.

Her mother looks directly into those eyes, and spits, without a quiver in her voice, "You are not my daughter."

And that's it for Carn. She would have preferred for her mother to strike her again than to say those words.

"NOOOO!" she screams into her pillow. She doesn't care who hears her.

And what hurts her the most is that Jan doesn't have an ounce of remorse, or try to take it back. She spins around and leaves, slamming the door behind her.

Carn still lies on her stomach, screaming and bawling until her voice is raw. When all sound gives out, she let the tears drip slowly, like raindrops on a drizzling summer day. Looking back wistfully, she recalls her earliest memory.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, my darling?"

The toddler, no more than three, put down her sippy cup of milk and pushed her bleached blonde hair out of her eyes. She caught a whiff of the sugar cookies in the oven, getting distracted for a moment.

"Mmmm."

"Carnation, honey. What did you want to ask me?"

"Oh! Um.... yeah! Why is my name Carnation? Everyone makes fun of me for it."

"Your daddy picked it out. He was a florist in high school," she smiled, adoringly pinching Carn's button nose.

"A floor-ist? He made floors?"

"No, sweetie," she laughed. "A florist. He sold flowers."

"Oh!"

"He would be so proud of you now. He loved you so much."

"Okay!" Carn beamed, not really understanding, but knowing that it was a positive thing.

"I love you, my Carnation."

"I love you too, mommy!"

Ding!

"Looks like the cookies are ready! Don't forget to thank God for the cookies."

Carn nodded, doing the Sign of the Cross a little sloppily.

"In the name of the Fathuh, and the name of the Sun, and the name of the Holee Spirit. Amen."

Carn can't take it anymore. She wipes away her tears for what she promises herself to be the last time. Rolling out of bed, she grabs the clothes that still fit her, all of her money, her photographs, her journal, a rosary, some books and toiletries, and a couple other meaningful items. She throws them into her duffel bag aggressively, grabs her backpack, and gives her Luke Perry poster one final kiss.

The next thing she knows, she's walking down the street, continuing for blocks and blocks, until she reaches somewhere that's always been offered to her and her friends as a safe haven.

Partly guilty for putting this much responsibility on her close friend, partly depressed and mauled by her mother's words, and partly pissed off, she bangs on the Hanlon's door.

Mike opens up to a girl who shivers uncontrollably and has bloodshot eyes and a slap mark on her face. His best friend.

"Mike, I'm so sorry to come on no notice at all. But I just- you've always offered up your house to all of us, and- may I please, please stay in your guest room tonight?"

Carn is disturbing. He had never seen her so hysterical before. Without asking questions, he pulled her into a tight embrace.

"You can stay here as long as you need."