Jump then Fall: Falling Series 2 (Modern Stucky College AU)

Thirty-Two

Sitting on his bed, Steve glanced over at his desk, and then back down to the sketchbook in his hands. The sketchbook wasn't full. Wasn't even half full. But he had the desire to take out his Christmas present and use that one instead.

Sure, Steve probably should have done so sooner. Some might have even argued that he should have used it when he first got it. But he had been hurting and broken. And that was in the past.

Now though, Steve wanted to do nothing more than to hold that extremely beautiful and personal gift in his hands. To run his fingers along the personalized leather cover and have the way Bucky wrote his name seared into his retinas forever. Knowing that his name would never look more enchanting than it did in Bucky's script.

Climbing off his bed, he headed for his desk. Debating whether he should reach into the drawer where it had been buried at the bottom, and actually use it. After all, his main excuse had been that he wouldn't use it until his current one was complete. Of course, Steve figured that Bucky knew that his shit excuse was just that: a shit excuse.

Another reason not to use it was because it was simply too beautiful. It was the most beautiful journal that Steve had ever seen, let alone ever owned. The soft leather cover. The stitch of his name. The gold trim around the pages that gave it an elegant, cherished vibe. Steve knew that it was the nicest sketchbook that he'd ever own and the most thoughtful gift that he'd ever receive.

Finally deciding that Steve deserved to use the sketchbook because it was his and was meant to be used, Steve pulled open the drawer. Rummaging around until his fingers skimmed the smooth cover, Steve grasped the spine and pulled it out from under all the other sketchbooks, notebooks, and loose pieces of paper.

The sketchbook was a little worse for wear, if Steve was being completely honest. It had been scratched in his haste to forget it and bury it. Steve wished that he could kick his own ass for being so petty and neglectful to something so pretty.

Tracing the stitch of his name in Bucky's hand, Steve momentarily had the crazy idea to ink it onto his skin so he'd always have it. Not that Steve would actually do that. Especially not with his own name. There was just something so alluring about the way that Bucky looped his Es and crossed his T.

As delicate as he could, Steve cracked the book open for the first time. Opening to a random page in the center of the book, Steve thrilled at the way the smooth page felt beneath his fingertips. It was a bit colder due to it being locked away, but it was good paper. Thick paper that wouldn't bleed through. Not for the first time, Steve knew that he didn't deserve something so extravagant.

Flipping to the start of the book, Steve paused. His heart stuttered and his breath hitched when he realized that he had missed the most important aspect of the gift. On the inside of the cover, Bucky had written him a letter.

Stevie,
I know that this is kind of lame. Especially since we really haven't talked, and I don't even know if this thing between us is serious. But I want it to be. I want you.

Swaying, Steve felt completely lightheaded, and pulled out his computer chair. Taking a seat, he knew that he shouldn't be this emotional. Steve knew that Bucky wanted him and wanted to be with him. They were boyfriends, for crying out loud.

But knowing how things happened. Knowing how it had been. Steve couldn't help but imagine how different things could've been. Namely, how they could've avoided being so broken. How they could've avoided so much hurt and had been there instead of wasting so much time.

Ignoring the tears welling in his eyes, Steve read further.

I've wanted you for a while now. God, that sounds really lame. I promise I'm not this lame all the time. Or maybe I am. Especially when it comes to you. Honestly, I've never felt this way about anyone else. And I know that I'm rambling. Really rambling. I just want to say so much, but can't find the words.

Sniffling, Steve wiped at the tears that fell down his cheeks. This was ridiculous. Steve knew that Bucky was crazy about him. Bucky had told him so, himself. Yet, the smile stayed glued to his face.

So, instead of trying to find the right words (because I clearly don't have them), I'm just going to say this, and hope that it goes well. Actually, I hope that you feel the same. Because I'm in love with you, and it'd be really awesome if you were in love with me too.

Blinking rapidly, Steve paused. Surely, that didn't say what Steve hoped that it said. Right? There was no way that Steve read that correctly.

Because I'm in love with you, and it'd be really awesome if you were in love with me too.

Again, Steve frantically reread, Because I'm in love with you, and it'd be really awesome if you were in love with me too.

With his heart rapidly beating in his chest, Steve knew that he should get to his Thursday evening lecture, but he was way too hyped. Steve knew that he couldn't wait until tonight. Steve knew that he needed to find Bucky.

Jesus, no wonder Bucky was so hurt that I didn't use the sketchbook, Steve thought as he slipped on his sneakers. Hastily, Steve crossed his dorm and shrugged on his jacket. The only thing that mattered was Bucky.

Because I'm in love with you, and it'd be really awesome if you were in love with me too.