eight letters | skz

𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐡 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 : 𝐉𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐈𝐍

dear channie hyung,

out of all the members, i think i miss you the most.

yeah, it's a bold assumption to make, but it's not the same pain we're facing.

you were the one i looked up to the most, you are the one who took my hand and guided me through everything, you were the one who listened when it got too hard and i couldn't stand being away from my family for so long, you were the one who held me tightly whenever i needed comfort the others couldn't give me.

you were my hero, channie hyung.

i regret not telling you this more often, but you were, are and always will be.

i wish i was as selfless, as hard working and as talented as you. you inspired so many people all around the world and hopefully one day, i can accomplish that too.

but of course i won't be as great as you were.

why did you leave us, channie hyung?

i desperately want to read the letter you wrote before you did it, but i'm not brave enough. i'm scared that whatever you wrote is going to break me even more... can things that are broken break even more?

i'm sure you would know the answer to this, you are the most intelligent and wisest person i know.

the therapist told me to write down what i feel like a diary.

but i feel nothing.

i feel so damn empty and numb, channie hyung.

i can't even cry anymore, it's like all my tears are used up. it feels like i'm trapped in my body, my soul wants to escape. does this even make sense?

i bet you're laughing at my non-sense and believe it or not, it makes me smile a tiny bit to think of your dimpled smile.

holy crap, just imagining you smile makes the back of my eyes sting and my heart to ache... i'm sure i could hear it break if i listened close enough.

woojin hyung is worried about me and i don't know why.

he caught me in the bathroom today, apparently talking to myself in the mirror.

"what are you doing with your life, jeongin? why do you even matter? don't you realize how little you're worth? even if life took someone as brilliant as channie hyung away, how come a fool like you is still here?"

that's what i said, but thing is, i can't remember saying it or how i walked into the bathroom with the box filled with the razor blades clutched in my head.

it was a shock to me too, trust me.

was i actually going to kill myself just like you did? i probably would have if woojin-hyung didn't find me.

don't worry, okay? he's taken everything sharp and medication which could be used falsely, and locked them away so none of us can find them.

that night he told us all to be open to that therapist about our feelings because he didn't want to lose another member of his family.

"losing one," woojin inhaled, the pain audible in his tone, "losing one was painful enough. please don't make me- don't make us go through it again."

it was silent for so long, i thought they all left the table because i couldn't dare to look up. i felt so ashamed... how could i think about leaving them too?

"i'm sorry," i whispered, my voice cracking as i felt a single tear stream down my red face, "i'm so freaking sorry, hyungs."

it was still silent, so i finally forced myself to glance up, only to find them crying quietly.

they were all crying because of me.

"jeongin," minho was the first one to speak up, wiping his tears away, "we can get through this together, okay? this is what chan would've wanted; us to stick together because we're here to stay, remember?"

i could only manage to nod, gulping down the lump in my throat as i felt arms wrap around me so tightly, i thought i was going to choke.

to my surprise it was felix. he was the last person i thought would embrace me after his behavior this whole time.

"we are here, innie," he whispered into my ear, still not letting go as i felt more arms wrap around us in a group hug.

"we are here," we all repeated and didn't let go for a while.

like the tight embrace would piece our broken hearts and spirits back together. but oddly enough, it was the first day since your death that i could breathe.

and i have hope we will get through this hard time, channie hyung.

i miss you and i love you endlessly, please never forget that.

yours truly,

jeongin