eight letters | skz

𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐡 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 : 𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐗

dear christopher bang,

i know you would hit me for calling you by your full name, but i also know it would make you smile.

how the hell do i even start something like this? i guess i can't ask you for advice this time, can i?

it took me a long time to finally sit down in front of my desk and scribble down my emotions and stuff, and i'm sorry about that.

i'm sure the others have mentioned my terrible behavior at this point. hell, i'm sure jisung bitched about his broken nose (still feeling shitty about that to be honest).

it's like some button in my body switched once you died, like you took all that's human in me with you to your grave. i'm working on digging the old me up, channie. i want to do it for the others and also for you, i know it would make you proud to see me trying to fix my issues.

i apologized to everyone separately, the way you taught me to. you told me that honesty is the best policy, so i bit the bullet and talked to them about my feelings. and surprisingly enough, they understood.

and also, that's why i finally accepted the therapist's help. i'm going three times a week to talk to her about your death and ways to cope with it.

"don't look at the past, be well today and look forward because time is ever-going and it won't stop."

those were your words, but no matter how true they are, i don't agree with them completely.

i can't forget the past because that would mean wiping you out of my memory... even if you're dead on this earth, you will always live for me, for us.

and the part about being well today? i'm trying to be. well, at least i'm setting myself small challenges every day. like to get out of my bed and eat breakfast with the others. those sound so pathetic when i read over them again, but it's a big step for me, you know?

we all are attempting to look forward, to find the right way without you to nudge us towards it to make it easier for us. now it's our battle we have to face and survive. because, like you said, time is ever going and it won't stop.

and yeah, sometimes it still feels like time is stopping for me, but i learned to handle it, channie. damn, i sound so mature, don't i? but i am, and i am a much stronger person because of this, because of you. and for that, i'm so grateful.

thank you for everything you did for us and you still are doing for us. because of you, stray kids is stronger than ever. we're still figuring out which direction we want to go without you, but at least we're all in the same headspace.

everything will be okay.

my therapist told me that it's okay to love someone, but still let them go. and after debating on it for a while, i think she's right.

this is no way disrespecting your memory, channie. i would never do that, but right now, i have to think about myself too for once.

and that's why i decided to let you go.

but i will always love you,

your felix