I See You (Campus Crush series)

10

**

I cautiously walked out of the closet after putting on my pajama pants and a light sweater, heading to the bed. Before I climbed in, another rush of guilt overcame me.

"I'm so sorry I raised my voice," I apologized to David. He turned to look at me in the soft, dim light. I saw him extend a hand toward me and I didn't hesitate to take it, letting him draw me into bed.

"No, don't apologize. You and I are slow to anger; we definitely have that in common. Sometimes we don't know where to place it. It's okay."

But I was sad all over again. I was depressed when I was younger, and that fog had lifted for a while. For years and years, life was happy. A bit stressful at times, but at the end of the day, it was all worth it. I couldn't say the same for right now. It felt like being young and sad all over again. "You said that when you look at me, you see... what is it that you see? An unfaithful husband? A liar?" I asked in a hushed tone. "That's why you couldn't kiss me."

David sighed, propping himself up a bit against a few pillows. "No, I don't see a liar."

"So unfaithful then?"

He shook his head. "No, none of those things."

"What do you see that makes you not want to even kiss me?"

"It's not... I know you probably can't stand me for dwelling on it; I'm sorry. Truly. But I'm just... confused." He shrugged his shoulders as if he couldn't help it.

I tugged at my fingers. "I don't know how to prove it to you. We've been together for almost a decade. I couldn't toss that away for someone I've known for what, a few weeks?"

"Alright, I accept that. But will you toss your career away for him instead? Casper, you're on suspension from your job. The job you've worked hard for, lost sleep over, cried over in my arms nightly for a month because it was too much to bear."

"I tried to save his life!" I defended myself. "Literally why is everyone overlooking that? Even my friend at work—who apparently never gave a shit about me—argued with me about it. You heard the despicable shit he said to me! And you know what, it may have hurt but I thought I'd be fine because I have you. I mean, who cares what anyone has to say about me so long as my husband supports me. But no! I thought... I-I thought you'd understand!"

"Casper, I don't want to be in a position that isn't by your side. I support you. I love you. You have to admit that you crossed a line by violating an ethical code and breaking a legally binding order. My love, this could cost you your medical license."

"Laws don't dictate morals," I stated unrepentantly. "You and I are one, yes? I mean, if you went out and murdered someone, I'd help you bury the body. So what is this about; is it the fact I got suspended? Is it just this idea of me cheating that my coworker put in your head? Or is it about me keeping everything a secret? I don't know anymore."

He swallowed, and I could see how much he wanted to save this conversation for tomorrow but he decided against it. "Casper, is it true he signed a DNR?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Did you know about it before resuscitating him anyway?"

I huffed. "Yes I did but he admitted that his decision to get the DNR order was a mistake," I fought. "I get how black and white it appears but it's not. If you want me to apologize for reacting that way, I can't because I wouldn't mean it. Put me back in that situation and I'd do it again."

I watched David's lips press together before he averted his gaze. "I believe you. I do. Could I ask one more question?"

I raised my eyebrows as a sign of permission.