I See You (Campus Crush series)

26

(present)

I was too sad to be angry at Josephine for making me revisit Elena's death. I was in a mess of tears, and she just sat there with her hands in her lap.

"Casper, dear, I'm afraid I need to make something clear to you."

"There's nothing you could say that I haven't already told myself."

"No. This may hurt your feelings, but you have to hear it. You say you've failed as a doctor, but her death has nothing to do with you. It's not about you."

"But—"

"No buts!" She lifted a finger. "You weren't in that operating room."

"I should've been," I countered. "First, do no harm, remember? But I did nothing. I-I could've saved her."

"It's not about you," Josie repeated. "Casper, listen to what I'm saying. Your attending, who's more experienced and skilled than you, couldn't save her. So how could you have?"

"I'll never know because I bailed!"

"Exactly. Yes, actions do have consequences, but her death was not a consequence of your absence. Try to remember that. I'll say it again, it's not about you. Two parents lost their baby girl. Don't get me wrong, it'll affect you immensely. Of course, you have every right to feel her loss. But to go around blaming and pitying yourself? I won't let you."

God, I hated this woman. Damn it.

I grunted quietly, rolling my eyes to the ceiling in exasperation. Still, she was right. Brutally honest, but right.

"Now," she continued. "Tell me. What was her cause of death? Was it you?"

I sucked in a shaky breath. "I..."

Josie stared me down. "What was her cause of death? Was it you?"

"N-no. It's... it's not about me." I shut my eyes in an attempt to stop my tears. I didn't know if I could believe those words, but maybe if I told myself enough, I might find some truth in them.

"What was her cause of death?"

I swallowed. "She died from her escalating condition and... complications during surgery."

"Okay." Josie nodded, the concern in her brown eyes seeming like she was sending me a mental hug. "Mourn her freely. Don't let guilt cloud your grief or you'll be crying forever."

I took a deep breath, staying silent for a few minutes. "I swear, I'm allergic to being happy."

"Oh, honey. I told you sex was a temporary fix."

I almost laughed. If I wasn't trying to hold back my tears I probably would have.

"Don't worry," she said. "Depression takes time to overcome, lots of it. There's no rush. Do you wanna keep talking?"

"Um... sure. Might as well."

"Okay. So, that patient of yours, the one you're so fond of?"

I wiped my eyes. "What about him?"

"Well, I can tell that he was your safe place at work. When you felt the pressures of your job and were overwhelmed, his room was the one you'd go to."

I nodded, feeling a little ashamed. I knew she wasn't judging me; just merely stating her observations.

"Why were you attached to him?"

I sighed, directing my eyes anywhere else. "He's always reminded me of David."

"Right. This is the same patient you said that you resuscitated?"