In sixth form the bully started to either stop or I just started to block it out better there was one instant where me and a friend was going up the stairs and this girl said something about our weight and me and the girl said we should go to the teacher and I remember standing there straight face almost observing my friend and crying in some ways in curiosity I realise that I got so used to hearing those comments from the people from primary the other kids from the secondary and even family member's that would compare me to my skinny brother.
I'm studying Btec and of course, the meant that every day I am writing essays staying up multiple times a night surviving on 2- 3 hours, being stress from constantly receiving back rejected essays, feeling stupid because I still couldn't get the hang of essays. in my course, we had to do a couple of work experiences.
On my last work experience I felt sick and tired I had just begun my cycle and blamed it on that and of course, working in a nursery takes a lot of energy. When I finished my work experience I received a message from my mum that they were holding a party for a funeral down the road from where I was working so I decided I would go rather than going home. It was my uncle's mums funeral I never knew her but most of my family was there He was also there. My dad was in charge of the drink station I said hi to him and headed inside where my mum was. I sat on the table with her I remember falling asleep which I don't usually do but I didn't really think too much into it. I woke up to one of my family members nagging my mum about me and my dad not communicating a lot.
I didn't really see my dad often he has a new partner and when I would go with him he would sometimes leave me outside the betting shop whether it was day or night and have a little drink I found time with him okay but as I grew up I started to enjoy just being alone, plus she nagged my dad about the same things my mum did so it was like seeing my parents argue all over again.I remember tearing up and being unable to stop as he nagged at my mum again, I fell back to sleep and felt groggy I felt hot but I just assumed it was because I was sleeping under the air vent, my mum was speaking to a family member and I went and said hi she told me my granny was there and I went over to say hi and left to go to the bathroom where I ran into my mum, I then went to see my dad and get a soft drink and went back to the party, a cousin that I just met at the party stopped me to ask me about life and what I was studying and when I was speaking to her I made I contact with him and just felt sick I started to cry she of course asked me what was wrong which I didn't know just blaming it on being sick.
My mum saw me crying and called me over and asked why I was crying and I didn't know which I said and I still don't know why to this day, my aunt took my hand and said lets talk about this outside while we are walking to the door (we were right beside it) i began to hyperventilate and my aunt started to pull me out the hall faster, everything felt like a blur I couldn't concentrate it was like I was a back seat driver in what was happening, I couldn't understand what was happening i was hyperventilating took 1 2 3 breathes and would scream continuously, a small crowd gathered I remembered a small blur ran up to me to my side and went away this went on for a while until she calmed me down. the panic attack kept trying to restart and in the background someone who ended up being the cousin said let me get her dad which wasn't the best idea, my dad rushed over and tried to get me away basically putting me in a headlock which kinda makes me laugh since my dad is probably not the best person to call since he's a panicker but they separated us and in my delirious state I kept saying its fine he's just panicking.I sat on the stairs trying to concentrate on not letting the panic attacks restart my mum's brother my aunt, my mum and two random people were standing there watching me I felt like something on display with all these eyes watching me.My mum asked if I wanted to go home which I said yes so she called a cab and me and my dad went outside and he explained that he was sorry and that when he heard and saw what state I was in he just wanted to get me out of the situation which I knew and understood.Me my mum and my uncle left and when we got home my mum asked me what that was and what triggered it which I still don't know she just said okay and just promise her that I wouldn't do anything extreme and to talk to her since she doesn't want to find me hanging on the tree outside, I laughed it off and said I was going to bed and that was the end of that.
