( I understand this is kind of childish of me but I really didn't want to do this stuff)
After my mum and dad split my mum got together with guy who she's still with today, regularly she would make me do things for him whenever he would come over which was almost every day he would ask me to go to the shop I would have to do it I had no choice if I refused my mum would take me to the side and tell me he wasn't asking he's telling me to go it didn't matter if it was day or night time I would have to go. I was more frustrated because it felt intentional he would come from outside and then magically realise that he wanted something from the shop.
I also had to get him food and send his clothes to the dry cleaners, the dry cleaners were next to my old bus stop and right in front of the school I hate and it would always be around the time school ended. whenever my mum would nag at me it would be because of him. I really resented him as a child I still do. I was only told off because of him. I was also afraid of him because of the event that happened to me with him. I was afraid he would do the same thing.
I disliked him to the point that I wanted to kill him and envisioned doing it, I blamed him for my parents splitting up ( mostly because my dad said one I don't know if this was because he was drunk or it was the truth but he told me that my mum cheated on my dad with him) and for me and my mum for being distant.
its a bit graphic but I remember envisioning taking the knifes from our kitchen and stabbing him over and over, and I then thought what happens if my mum sees this so I thought I would have to do the same thing to her and burn the house down and have my brother and sister take care of me. after that one time I didn't have those thoughts for a long time I would say for 7- 10 years+ I've started to have them more often I've had 2 or 3 at the same level as the first but I've had small "moments".
As time has gone by i have noticed that i don't really view people as people more like objects and what they are able to help me attain, you could say i mostly associated people with their usefulness. For example my mums partner has money i view him as someone i could get money from him whether he knows I'm taking it or not and i view my mum as someone that puts a roof over my head and that's it.
