Mayhem 2019 (JackSepticEye Prompts)

Day 17: Father

Being a father meant everything to Chase. Acting as a guide and parental figure was all he wanted to do for his kids. He wished he could give them the world, but he knew the best he could do was teach them how to take it for themselves. It was simple in theory, but so difficult in practice. That's what it would take; practice, practice, practice.

Chase watched his kids run around the small playground, screaming as they sped back and forth across the wood chips and jungle gyms. He couldn't believe how big Sam was getting or how much Trey looked like him. And Grayson's free spirit, so much like his mother's. . . it was amazing how wonderful his children were, even without him there a lot of the time. He relished every moment spent with them.

Then the moment ended.

The park was dark now, streetlights shining on abandoned swing sets and monkey bars. Chase sat alone on the bench, unsure of how his face became stained with tears. It must have been hours since Stacy picked the kids up.

He put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair to try and comfort himself in his loneliness. It was his fault she had left. He wasn't good enough, he was kidding himself every time he thought he could be a good father. Who was he kidding? What kind of dad drank multiple times a week and couldn't even get his kids to care for longer than the days he had them? He was a failure of a parent.

There was a gentle pressure on his shoulder and Chase looked up, vision blurred through his wet eyes. Dr. Schneeplestein stood in front of him, a look of concern on his face to rival Jameson's iconic worried stare. 

"Where have you been?" Henrik asked. "We have all been trying to get a hold of you, I thought you said you would be back hours ago."

Chase sighed. "Sorry, just couldn't stop thinking. Got any whiskey on you? I could use a drink."

"No way, I am not dealing with that tonight."

One of the swings creaked in the breeze. "Schneep, can I ask you something?"

"Depends."

"Have you ever thought you weren't good enough to be a doctor?"

"Yes, when I was first learning and practicing. Why?"

Chase gulped down the lump forming in his throat. "No reason, really. Just curious about how you dealt with it, that's all."

Henrik gave him a small, knowing smile. "It was very difficult to learn. When you do not know the solution to a problem, it becomes a hard puzzle to solve. Learning came with time and understanding, as well as help from colleagues."

"What did you do be so confident?"

Henrik's gaze seemed to be focused on a particular tree across the field. "I was doing badly in my studies and classes. I could not focus, I was worried so much about what others thought of my work that I did not stop to think about how I saw it. I became especially nervous when watching other doctors do so well in their fields. I thought I could never be like them.

"Then I realized I never would be."

Chase raised an eyebrow, slightly shocked at his response.

"I could never be like those doctors unless I did the same things they did, worked just as hard for just as long, or even longer. I wanted to learn what they knew and I asked them the same question you have asked me. Do you know what they said?"

Chase shook his head. 

Henrik chuckled, as if reliving a funny memory. "They said, 'Do not be like us. Be like you. Be the best you you can be and never doubt it. When you do, only then will you become the best of the best'.

"I did not understand what they meant at first. How could I be a great doctor when I was doing so badly? Then it clicked; I realized I was afraid."

"Afraid?" Chase asked.

Henrik nodded. "It was not fear of what others thought or fear I would not pass my classes. I was afraid of failure, of not being good enough to be like those doctors I strived to mimic. I had let the fear take so strong of a hold over me that it had affected how well I did. I could not push myself to be better when those fears stood in my way."

Chase became thoughtful. "How did you get past those fears then?"

"I changed my mind," Henrik said simply. "I saw how silly those fears were and took the doctors' words to heart. It took time, but I let go of the fear and decided just to focus on being the best I could be. Turns out my best was also the best as well."

"Heh. You make it sound so easy."

Henrik rolled his eyes. "Don't be fooled. It is simple to put into words, but things like that take time. The strangest part is  how satisfying everything you do becomes. When you know you are doing your best, even finishing a task is the best feeling in the world. I could be the worst doctor and still be happy with the work I have done."

That got to him. Chase shook his head in denial, unable to understand how something like that was possible. "That's not confidence, that's ignorance."

"How would you know unless you had confidence yourself?" Henrik winked, knowing Chase had been beat for the time being. "Adjust your perspective a little. You might be surprised at what it could do."

Chase stood and clapped a hand on Henrik's shoulder. "I'll have to try that sometime."

"Maybe tomorrow. I am ready to sleep until death tonight."

"You're right. Let's just go home."

Henrik put an arm around Chase's shoulder and together, the two of them walked toward the car. Chase hoped tomorrow would be better, but there was no telling what the future would hold.

Whatever happened, he would face it head-on. Fear be damned.

~~~

Finished this last night and published it the next day, today, the 30th. 

I was working through some emotions yesterday and I guess subconsciously I was kind of working through them through this??? Or maybe I just thought Chase should start to slowly learn to be happy again with this one. Who knows? I sure don't.

At first, I was trying to give all the egos and equal share in the spotlight (or at least I was planning to), but I don't really care anymore. This entire book is self-indulgence fanfic, there are no rules as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks for reading! A reminder, this book will continue until I finish all the prompts, regardless of poor timing and judgement on my part. Keep an eye out for more!

- the voice telling you that you're worth it no matter what