The Guardian (Star Wars)

XV - Apologies, Apologies

I couldn't believe we were at this point: in secret, talking about one of the many things the Jedi Code had claimed forbidden. This felt so dangerous, even though the conversation was private. All it would take would be one wandering ear, and then we would get into serious trouble.

We hadn't shared a kiss after our shy confessions to one another, though the air would want to suggest that happened soon. We were both smoothing over the waves of shock that the other's words gave.

"What's wrong?" I asked Obi-Wan. He had a worried look in his blue eyes, which now worried me.

He looked around nervously, the sole Padawan braid moving in sync with his head. I'd always had the temptation to tug it just to irritate him. "Is this right, Thea?"

"Is what right?"

"Confessing this."

"I feel liberated, don't you?"

Judging by the uncomfortable look on his face, he was not. Yet, he said, "I do."

"Then why the look?"

"This is...this is a big deal, Thea. The Code—"

"Yes, I know all about the Code, Obi-Wan. You've recited it in my ear so many times I don't see why I haven't been reciting it out loud myself." I folded my arms over my chest. "Why is there hesitancy?" The Force around him felt anxious, so he couldn't lie to me that he was collected right now.

"You know why. Attachment is forbidden. I...I don't think I can walk away, Thea. I don't think I have it in me."

"We wouldn't have to leave, silly," I poked at him. "We could keep it a secret. Nobody has to know except us. After all, it's our business, nobody else's."

"I don't think I could live like that. Could you, Thea? Could you continue your training knowing that you've broken a rule? And what if it comes out that we are seeing each other? Our reputation, our goal, it would all be taken away from us."

I squinted. "Is your reputation more important than what we share, Obi-Wan? Because if so, your confession of love for me is a cruel, sadistic joke."

"You and becoming a Jedi are my priorities, Thea," he said sincerely. "I can't choose one over the other. But I can't have both, either. My moral compass doesn't feel stable."

I rolled my eyes. "This will be the least big risk of our lives, Obi-Wan!" I inched closer to him, trying to not bat my eyes and get things in my favor. "Let's try it for a short time. See how you feel about it. If it still bothers you, then we'll just...remain friends."

Obi-Wan didn't seem so happy either, hearing "remain friends" come out of my mouth. But what else was there to do? We wanted a relationship, and he still wanted to become a Jedi. He wouldn't give either up.

But he might, in the end. Both of us might. He's right, it's a scary risk. Our lives are at stake, metaphorically speaking. If we lose our status because of love...

I wasn't going to outright admit it to Obi-Wan, but, I was scared of the outcome of this, too.

*~*

I remember exactly how that little run worked out. Both of us, back to being friends, even though I knew I still wanted that with him. I still wanted to love him more than as a friend.