My LDR (long distance relationship)

Regret.

I've done many things in this relationship that I regret. I've fucked up. I fight with Derek. A lot. I start many fights over stupid shit. He gets on my nerves so fucking much omg. But, it's because I love him so much. He stresses me the fuck out but I love it. I would hate to be stress free. I would hate to have no fears. Life would be so boring.

On Tuesday (September 30th) we got into a huge fight. I was hanging out with my ex (also like my best friend that I've known forever) and Derek was getting really upset and kept saying shit like "Have fun getting high and sucking his dick".

I hate when he says stuff like that. I also haven't smoked since we started talking because I know he doesn't like it. He knows I haven't.

We kept saying really shitty things to eachother. I was crying for majority of the night. Then him and Jay, (my friend) started fighting over the phone. Derek was acting like he didn't care. I ended up saying it was over. I didn't talk to him. I felt as if he really didn't care about us at all. He kept laughing through the whole conversation.

I said some pretty shitty things that I regret so much. I also did some pretty shitty stuff which I shouldn't have done. Like. Stealing my moms vodka and hanging out with Jay and getting all flirty and shit. I do a lot of stupid shit when I drink. And putting me and Derek's relationship in danger was one of them.

I got home around 11:30 and ran straight up to my room. I immediately started crying. I called him and just repeatedly said "I'm sorry." "I love you". That was the first time I relapsed (self harm) in a while. Me and Derek had made a deal/promise that if I relapsed he would. He was one of the people that I could talk to after I did because that's when you need people's advice and when you need to know someone's there. But, I couldn't bring myself to tell him I did. I didn't want him hurting himself like that.

I feel like I sort of betrayed our promise but. I kinda feel like I did what was best. I love him. So much. I would hate to know that it would've been my fault he relapsed. Sorry Derek.

I really don't know what the point of this story is. It's kinda cheesy and pointless. But, I feel like. It might help someone.

I love you John Derek Horne.