My LDR (long distance relationship)

Future

Do you ever feel like you want to talk about the future but. In a way you don't?

Me and Derek talk about the future all the time. Like how many kids we want, where we're gonna live, what kind of pets we want, and all that kind of stuff.

I love talking about the future! I find it cute. But then I think about how long were gonna last.. What if we don't? I'm gonna be attached to the future we always talked about. I won't be able to forget about the future we planned.

We won't last forever. Nothing does. The world won't last forever. We may last a lifetime but not forever. That's what I'm scared of. What if we don't last a lifetime? What if we don't last very long at all? Or what if we have a kid/s and then realize we aren't right for eachother? Then I'm going to have a kid that reminds me of Derek. I'll have to see him knowing we're not together.

More importantly, we'll have a kid grow up thinking it's okay to have a kid with someone that you aren't married to, someone you don't love, etc.

I grew up without a father until I was 8. I started visiting him once a month for one night. To this day, he still doesn't feel like my father. He doesn't act like it. My mom and dad had me at a very young age so it feels more they're my friends. My dad let's me drink and smoke and get into trouble. He buys me alcohol. I know it's not right, but that's how I was brought up; thinking that was okay. I don't want that for my kids.

I want me and Derek to last. I don't want to be stuck knowing we weren't right. Or that I spent weeks, months, or even years planning the rest of my life with Derek.. meanwhile, it would never happen.

But I have hope.