Everyday Life with Shu Sakamaki (One Shots)

When Nobody in the World Understands

One Shot: #4
When Nobody in the World Understands

Content: Depressed

It's winter...
Going through another night again, the little girl crawls into her bed with her usual blank expression.
Exams were just over and here she is, closing her sleepy eyes although she knows that it would just be another sleepless night.

She has once thought that maybe her depressed life would change, maybe someday, maybe after her graduation from school, maybe after becoming an adult... that.. she would be happy.
But, she realizes that she could never be happy like other people.
Her heart aches everyday, every-night, almost every single moment. She is faking all the time, faking her smile, faking her feelings and pretending that she is not hurt by the hateful words from her own relatives.

Lying on the bed, she is sobbing, again, just like any other night.
'It's okay, I'll get used to it. It's alright, I'll get through this.' She thought as she touched her own scars. 'It's been two years but I'll eventually get used to it, it's fine... it's okay...'

Her exams are unsatisfactory. Everyone is wondering why she would be such a bad child, why couldn't she be honest, why she was faking illnesses, why she didn't work hard...

'Heh... no one believes me being sick...' she smiles with pain.
Her thoughts wander to a blonde hair boy who is not in her world.

She looks at the sky as a tear rolls across her cheek,
'Where are you...? I- I want to go to the place you are currently at...' She smiles as she looks at the sky with love.

Messages from her phone are beeping, she casually looks though the notifications:
"The school doesn't need you if you keep faking illnesses."
"Do you even concern about your exams?"
"Your English exam was unsatisfactory, we'll talk to you about that tomo..."
"You need to study this chapter at home because you didn't attend the less..."
"Please... you're troublesome, stop making me sending emails to the school that you're unwell!"

The girl keeps a blank face and turns her phone off when she hears her relative outside her door saying, "Why does she keep doing this? This isn't good for her entering the university, she's such a liar. Do..."

"Noisy..."
She tugs her heart with a painful expression, "I only live because of you... because you told me to..." A gentle expression of the boy in her mind fades in front of her and she smiles while tears keep flowing.

"No one understands... no one, not a single one would ever understand my feelings... but you.. S-Shu.. you... only you... only Shu... would..."

The girl cries as her heart feels more pain. "I want you to be here, I- I can't get through this by myself! I fr- freaking can't...!"

However, no one could ever hear the depressed girl crying.

"No one ever understands, they never try to understand what's happening, they never believe me, only scolding... and backstabbing..."

"People are supposed to be taken care of when they are sick... they're supposed to be taken in good care, to be loved... haha, hahaha! Hmm... when all they did was scolding me and asking me to stop faking the illnesses, haha, hahahaha! I'm having a freaking fever and you're telling me not to fake it?! Hahahahahaha!!! When all the other children are taken care by their parents, are asked questions like, "are you feeling better? Do you want some soup?" Here I am, being asked questions like, "are you tired of faking the illnesses? Do you want to be kicked out of the school?" I.. I just want to stop existing!!! Hahahaha... I have anxiety... I want to go to school normally like other people do, I want to achieve good results too... but I have multiple mental disorders you know? I always absent from school because of my anxiety... because of the reasons even I do not know, not because I'm a bad student. Haha, however I don't care anymore... just think what you want, be I a bad student, be I a bi*ch, be I all the shi**y words you think of me."

The girl looks at the sky again and she calms down but by bit.

"Why can't you stay in this dimension?..." she slowly makes a blank expression with the dry tears on her face.

"Ah..." she moans as the pain inside her chest grows stronger and stronger. Her weak hands put to both sides of her head delicately as her moans become louder.

"Aha.......ha.....ha..ha."

Her eyes became insane, just like a person who suffered from schizophrenia., smiling like a child but crying.

"I bet... you won't even like a psycho like this ne, Shu san? It's okay, it's okay! I don't mind that you don't love me, that you don't know me! Just let me give all my love to you... until the day when I.."

She looks at her suicidal scar on her wrist as she paused, it's red and swollen, it's... pretty.

"When I can't bear all of this anymore. I'll give you all you want, I'm willing to do anything you like, Shu san."

A tear rolls across her cheek again.

Look at her eyes, they are full of insanity.
Mixed feelings with pain.
Confusion with masochistic pleasure.
Tears falling down but smiling.

There's only one person in her mind.
She thinks about him all the time. All the time.
Her mind is being corrupted gradually, full of grey filthy smoke, as if it's going to explode soon.

Hands touching her own scars, so gentle, touching a broken soul, touching the broken pieces of her body only to trigger herself more. Feeling... everything, every inch of pain from her fragile heart, her broken body, her corrupted mind.

Slowly, she doesn't even blink her eyes.
Her half-opened eyes stare at nowhere.
Her breath is unstable, the little pain from her nerves of the fingers make her moan.

She wants to hug him.
She wants to kiss him.
She wants to touch his hand.
She wants to comb his hair with her hands.
She wants to sleep with him.

Although she could never do all these things, she still loves him.