Everyday Life with Shu Sakamaki (One Shots)

Addiction to Pain

One shot: #9- Addiction to Pain
Content: depressed

Nothing's left inside of me.
Besides pain, nothing's left.

Why do I feel pain? I myself do not know.
Tears keep streaming down my face.
While my heart... it is broken a long time ago.

However, this pain I'm feeling, it includes an addiction. I can't help but wanting to feel more of it. Gradually, this pain has turned into pleasure.
Then I start considering if pain is my happiness.

Yes, my heart aches. However, I love this feeling.
I become to love the feeling of being broken.

I felt so much pain around my heart, my hands, my feet, my toes and just... everywhere.

I used my mouth to breathe because my nose was full of liquids, that it was no longer available for breathing this night.

I slowly observed the vampire who was lying down next to me.
He was sleeping. I didn't want to wake him up with my sobbing. So I tried to sob as quiet as I could.

I took short breaths while moaning occasionally.
I then widened my smile.
The more I smiled, the more the tears were streaming down.

That's why I think for a person like me, maybe,
pain is my own idea of happiness.

But, does happiness matter that much?

I don't crave for people's love... (except his?)
I should always be alone.
No one should care because I'm just a useless piece of trash existing somewhere in the world, waiting to be disposed.

In the past, I used to call out for help, I used to call out to God, hoping HE would make this pain go away and let me be a happy, 'normal' person.

However, no matter how many times I begged for making this pain to go away, it remained the same.

Slowly, instead of wanting it to go away, I want to keep this pain planted in my heart, in my soul.

This feeling is pleasurable.
Pain is happiness.

Let me be insane.
Let me laugh, let me smile when pain is here to give me the pleasure I want.
Pain drives my body to exhaustion and makes me feel happy. Without pain, what would I have become?

I sighed. I sighed while crying without even knowing the reason. I felt so damaged. I felt so exhausted.

"Annoying." He glared at me with his boring eyes.

On no, I... woke him up again.

"What are you crying about again...?" He sighed as he wiped away my tears gently with his icy large hands. "Troublesome..."

I cried even more because of how gentle he was and I felt so bad for waking him up again just to see me in this state.

"N-nothing. I'm sorry for waking you up, Shu. Y-you shouldn't care anymore... you shouldn't be with me anymore! Be-because I'm troublesome! I'm trash! I really don't deserve you! I'm crazy! I'm an insane person and nothing good would happen if you keep staying with me! Aaaaaaaaaa..... Aaaaa-"

Shu sighed as I kept crying non-stop.

I had enough of myself. I was tired. I really didn't want to drag Shu further down in negativity when he was already depressed enough.

He was hugging me while soothing my back. For half an hour? For one hour? How long did it past? I didn't know. But, I kept crying like a 5-year-old child.

After some time, I finally stopped crying.

His arms were still wrapping around my ugly figure.

I sighed again.

I tried lifting my head up and tried observing his face, but his arms were too strong that I couldn't even move.

"Shu...? I-I'm okay... now. You can sleep. I'm sorry for crying on you again."

I took a deep breath as I had been wanting to say this to him for a long time, but I was afraid because after all, I didn't want him to leave. However, if leaving me would make him happier, then...

"Shu, just as you know... Obviously, I'm a very troublesome and insane person, I don't think it's wise for you to keep staying with me. I-It's for your own good. I'm sure you can find a much more better person than me, Shu. I'm sure you will! Someone who's optimistic and 'normal', you know?"

I smiled with my tears streaming down again. He didn't move.

"Ne... Shu, I love you and I'll always do. Even if one day I'm gone, my soul and mind would keep loving you. But now, please listen to me."

I hugged him with my arms weakly.

"To make sure you gain your happiness, please leave me. Obviously, I'm not the one who are capable to bring happiness to you. Ironically, it's quite the opposite, right? You're always taking care of me, bearing a horrible existence like me. All these times, I'm very th-thankful to you. I really, really can't thank you enough. I'm very happy whenever I'm with you, Shu."

I soothed his back up and down as I continued,

"I think I might've already found my happiness. That is, pain. I can't feel anything except it, I feel pleasurable... when pain is here. As much as I want to stay with you, I just simply can't. Because... a person who is insane never meant to be loved. Do you understand? Look at you. See, how much I have troubled you? How much I have made you felt even more depressed than you already are? Although both of us are depressed, we're different. I'm insane, but you aren't. No one can save a person like me anymore. I'm meant to be like this. So... for your own good, please, find your own happiness."

He didn't really move.

"These days, I must have been a very troublesome burden to you... I know it, I know it and I don't want you to feel that way. Therefore, it's fine if you want to leave me. It's really fine, Shu. You don't have to be babysitting a troublesome human like me anymore, right?"

I smiled while hugging him.
I know how much more depressed and crazier I would become if he did leave me. However, i-if it means that he would be much more happier, then... I'm absolutely fine with it.
After all, I really... the wish I have been longing to grant is that he can be a happy person. I wish he can find lots of fun despite his damaged life, I wish he can smile sincerely, I wish he can meet someone who loves him dearly, who would be capable to give him the love more than I give him. A person who loves him even more.
A 'normal', happy, optimistic person... who loves him even, even more...

My tears soaked his shirt all wet.
See, how troublesome I am.

However,
I will never know.
I will never know if he is going to leave me or not.
Because I never get to hear his answer.
He never tells me.

He never comes to my dreams.
So I'm guessing he doesn't have feelings for me after all.
Well, that's just... as expected for an insane person, who aren't meant to be loved by anyone, right?