Everyday Life with Shu Sakamaki (One Shots)

My Home (Happy Birthday Shu! 2020)

One shot: #11- My Home
Content: Depressed

♥︎

"Shu, give it to me..."
I begged him as I pulled his shirtsleeves while looking at him with watery eyes.

He looked at me with little emotion, but he didn't push me or anything.

"Shu, please..."
I begged him as I hugged his waist. I was breathing rapidly again, I wanted to feel it. I wanted to feel it so much.

He finally pushed me off as he sighed,
"You're annoying..."

'I know it. I always know I am a troublesome person. But I really want the pain now, I really want to feel it...'

"I will make some steak for you if you do it...! What do you say?"
I held his shirtsleeves a little bit tighter than before as I said desperately.

He gave me a look full of abhorrence.
The despised look from his sadistic eyes.
My heart hurt, but it felt good at the same time.
The mental, inner pain.

But still, he took the knife. Without saying anything, he lifted up my shirt a little and cut my stomach. I blushed as my breathing became even faster than I already was. I was panting. I was feeling pleasure.

"Mm.."
I couldn't help but feeling surprisingly good. My heart felt so much pain.

My eyes hurt somehow, it must be because of the overflowing of tears. I.. couldn't even... open them properly. Aaa...

My moans got louder while I was crying.

He cut my stomach a few times, then he grabbed my right arm and cut it with a swift motion, leaving a long, thin red line.
The blood from my stomach started seeping through my shirt.

That was what I wanted.

He then looked down on me. Waiting for me to say something.

"Thank you..." I smiled and panted while somehow there were tears coming out from my eyes.
"I... I'll cook steak for you now!" I panted as I smiled weirdly.

Why did I say weirdly? Well, that was because I didn't know how to describe it.
I smiled when I was hurt.
Or, maybe I should have said happily instead of weirdly. Because I believed I was happy after all.

Shu was lying on the couch, half asleep.
While I was cooking rare steak for him, voices inside my head kept telling me to end myself.

'I really want to die. I've waited for awfully long.

But...

Would I forget him if I'm dead?
No, I don't want that...
I want to remember every moment when I'm with him.
That's why, I can't die.
I can't take the risk of dying and losing my memories.

The life I'm living right now, might be the only time when I get to love him.
Who knows what would happen after a person dies?'
I thought as I bit my lip.

I was afraid that I would lose my memories of being with him. Because if I did lose them, I... I wouldn't be able to feel any emotions anymore.

I was cooking the steak while looking at his sleeping state from time to time.
Would you say this was a happy family?
I wanted to have a person in my family who I can truly love, and that person was definitely Shu. Except Shu, no one could make me feel at home whenever I returned home. When Shu was here, I would feel homey and comfy, forgetting all the troublesome things happening outside my home. Right, I shouldn't have said I wanted a family, I would say... I wanted a home. And I believed this was the home I longed for. A home with Shu. A home with the person I loved.