crack addict that has seen a juul twice in her life

hello time for more rants

i swear i'm writing on this goddamn app but sorry for being inactive as usual

SO
friends.

i feel bad complaining about my friends. most of my friends i would never complain about. but it always seems like i come back to one of my best friends here. i love this girl to pieces and i would do anything for her do not get me wrong.

but.

she's just not nice sometimes. usually she's fine but sometimes she just goes too far and hits too close to home. last night we were talking about a little fight we had in class.
i told her why i was mad, and then asked her why she was. she said it was because she was in a sad mood and my "negative" attitude was making it worse. she goes on to say that she's used to this, and says that even one snarky comment puts her near tears, and then says that "you dont realize it"

i know her INSANELY well. i pick up when she's sad. i hold her when she cries. i answer every facetime call, listen to everything she says. i've been with her since the drama with this older boy started. and i am ALWAYS there for her. every single time.

anyways.
i then apologize and say that my negative attitude and snarky comments are a part of me. thats who i am. its how i cope with myself!! if i'm not sarcastic or snarky then i have no way of sealing up my own emotions that sit alone in my chest and then i'm basically exposed for the world to read me like a book. i say none of this though. i only say that my sarcasm and snarkiness are a part of me.

she tells me that that isnt good. that it isnt healthy for her. but she copes with it.

what? i stared my phone down for two whole minutes thinking of what to say. my mind was racing with a million different thought processes. my hands were shaking so bad i could barely type anything out. she texts me again before i could even respond, this time saying that its okay and she deals with it.

this is one of the VERY few people that i show affection towards. one of the few people i'll let lean their head on my shoulder without flinching away and saying "dont touch me". one of the few people i tell almost everything. one of the few people that i say "i love you" to in person and mean it. one of the few people that i'll hold when they cry or cuddle with. of course i don't always do those things because i hate when people touch me but when i can tell she needs it, i do.

so i just dont understand.
she just shit on me and made it personal. she KNOWS i am a sarcastic, snarky person. EVERYONE DOES. i just dont understand.

i'm at a loss for words at this point. my biggest fear of all time is confrontation. i type out a meek "okay haha" thinking the convo is over, and then put my phone down.
to which she responds:
"for future conversations like these, 'okay haha' is not a good answer. i'm real."

then she went to bed. and i am stuck with my mind SWARMING.

granted, she didn't necessarily know i was freaking out but she knows how awful it is for me to have an argument over text. she knows that for sure. i stayed up until 1am thinking about it.

this sounds emo as FUCK but i was just thinking abt how i guess i'm not good enough for her because thats what she was implying.

i told my other friends at lunch the next day and they freaked out. they were shocked and mad that i didnt go off on her for literally towering over me while i hid in a corner with the weakest response of all time, aka "okay haha"
i wish i had stood up for myself now, but there's nothing i can do about it.

and then earlier today i told her i'd facetime her after school and then she said she wanted to kill herself over text to which i said, and i quote, "please don't say that".
and she said
"dont call me, fuck off"

i am SERIOUSLY against people chucking around mental illness and phrases like "i want to kill myself" or "she's so bipolar"
she knows that. everyone knows that.

so why does she get to be mad at ME for that? i wasn't even mad at her? i just calmly told her not to say it and she got mad. i dont understand what i did wrong. i just don't. maybe i'm missing something i guess.

anyways, any advice? preferably non-confrontational but i know sometimes that has to happen.