surprise surprise. another rant

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by vipermask

by vipermask

SO
one of my friends that just graduated asked me if i wanted to hang out a while ago
i was like
yeah of course dude
so

i didnt exactly tell anybody other than a few of my friends about it because i was worried they would like poke fun or judge me because this is a senior guy that i met during musical

the problem is that he had a girlfriend (they are broken up now) that my best friend is REALLY REALLY close with. so i asked her if it was okay and she said yes. i told her i asked bc i dont want her getting the wrong idea. i dont think that worked. i feel awful for her because she really is the sweetest girl ever but you could kind of tell they weren't really working out.

sooooooo we went out today but NOT as a date. i told everyone that knew about it (not very many people) that it was 100% not a date. because it wasnt! but when i got home and told a handful of my friends everyone thought it was, and it seems like it kind of was now. we went out to dinner, mini golfed, and then literally went to an elementary school park and just talked for a while. it was out of a movie. DEAD ASS. out a movie. oh my god.

but i dont want to date him. like no part of me wants to date an 18 year old. that is illegal. i am extremely against relationships like that. to a crazy extent.
i told him i only wanted to be friends... but not necessarily DIRECTLY. i just said i had a great time as friends and hoped we could do it another time.

but

oh my god but
after they broke up my best friend (the one that's close with his ex girlfriend) told me she had just found out that he had pressured her into having sex with him
i was like
omg

oh my god. thats it. thats all that ran through my mind for a while. so i literally was so shocked that i just hid under a blanket for a whole entire day because of how FUCKING AWFUL I FELT FOR HER. i TEXTED her asking if i could go out with her boyfriend that had TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF HER, probably REMINDING HER OF IT. OMG. I AM AN AWFUL PERSON.

i was so sad omg i still think about it and a wave of who knows what washes over me. i have so many mixed fucking feelings now. of course i can't imagine him doing that, but can anyone ever IMAGINE one of their friends doing that to somebody?
no. they can't.
but i just feel like i can't stop talking to him now. he has my number, he can contact me however he wants if i stop snapchatting him. i'm not worried anything would happen with him i just would feel awful if i stopped talking to him.
but i feel worse if i continue to talk to him with the information i have about him now.

i've figured from the way he talks sometimes about his feelings and the therapy and stuff he's gone to that he's got some kind of mental health disorder. i don't know what it is and i would never, EVER ask, but that would make me feel worse if i stopped talking to him. and obviously i'm no psychology expert so maybe i'm totally wrong

its not like he doesnt have other friends, because of course he does, but i just feel guilt from all directions hitting me everywhere at once and i don't know what to do about it. my friends that used to be friends with him stopped talking to him too once they found out. thats what i should have done. but i am the biggest wimp and pushover i've ever met in my life.
i don't know what to do or where to go. right now he just snapchatted me saying he's been sad for the last few days and i said something like aw that sucks i'm here for you and i'm digging my grave even deeper so i'll never even be able to get fucking out of it anyways

i'm sorry all i do is rant