little white lies | grayson dolan

𝒻𝑜𝓇𝓉𝓎

•ＧＲＡＹＳＯＮ•

-𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫-

The strong bass of the rap music blares through my speakers at the loudest volume possible. Every muscle in my body is tight as I move up and down. My stomach is shaking from the amount of sit-ups I'm currently doing. My arms continue to stay behind my head as the sweat drips down my bare chest.

I feel like I'm going to break, but I keep pushing myself. I don't care if my body is run down, I don't care that my head feels like it's about to explode. I need to get through this work out in one piece.

As I go to push myself back up, a sharp pain tugs in my chest. I let out a loud gasp, trying to catch my breath. My entire body is shaking, but this time it isn't from my workout. It's a different sensation that I'm sadly very familiar with. I'm having my first anxiety attack in three months.

"E." I grab my phone to lower the music. "Ethan!"

I can hear footsteps in the hallway, until my bedroom door bursts open. "Grayson?" My brother looks down at me on the floor.

"Help." I say in between heavy breaths.

"Holy shit." Ethan bends down and places his hands on my shoulders. "It's going to be okay. Breathe in and out. Take slow, deep, breaths. The longer the better."

I'm trying, I really am, but nothing is working. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to focus on something happy. Unfortunately, my life hasn't been too happy.

It's been a month since I broke up with Hanna. Before the fall semester came to an end, she moved her seat back to the front in English. She hasn't looked at me and even blocked me on social media. I've been playing it off like I don't care, but I do. Of course I fucking do. She's the love of my life.

Her father wanted us to have no further contact and that's exactly what he got. I wasn't going to break up with her. I took those three days to really think it through. But when she found me in the library, I knew I needed to rip the band-aid off. I couldn't let her lose everything she worked so hard for. The nasty things I said to her still haunt me, and I regret being so cruel, but I figured it would be easier to make her hate me.

Now that I'm home for winter break, I've been working out everyday to distract myself from thinking about her. I'm trying to move on, but it's hard to do that when she's all I think about. Her smile, her laugh, the way she furrows her eyebrows when she's deep in thought. Everything about her consumes my brain, even thirty days later.

"Grayson, come on man." Ethan says, trying to help me calm down.

My eyes are still shut, the memory of Hanna fresh in my mind. I try to think of the happy times that occurred during our short-lived relationship. I think about our first kiss, when she stopped my anxiety attack. The feeling of her soft lips on mine sends a calmness through my body.

And just like that, my heart rate is slowing down. I feel like I can breathe again. My eyes open, seeing Ethan in front of me.

"Are you okay?" He asks with a worried expression.

"Yeah, I think I'm good now." I try to play it cool, but I know my brother too well. He's going to start hounding me with questions. That's all he's been doing this entire month.

"That hasn't happened in a while." He slowly points out.

"The workout was kicking my ass." I stand up and wipe my sweaty face with a towel.

"You need to slow it down. You go too hard." Ethan continues to eye me like a hawk.

"I'm fine." I roll my eyes and take a sip from my water bottle.