Love is a sickness [Clarktavia]

Holding onto love

Clarke:
  I felt Octavia trembling in my arms. It was really late maybe 2am? I pulled her into me tight to try to calm her. “Octavia...What is going on with you? These nightmares are eating you up.” I asked. Octavia peeked her eyes from beside my body and looked up at me. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. “I-” She hesitated. I sat up and she followed my lead and sat up in front of me fidgeting with her fingers. She was hurting and I could tell. “O...you can tell me.” I said. Octavia nodded and said with tear filled eyes “My mom. She died in a car accident. Bellamy and I were in the car when it all happened. I can see her body in the head windshield of the car in my dreams. I feel the pain of the glass shards injecting my body. I hear Bellamy say ‘No Octavia’ as I try to help him. I hear the people say ‘It’s a lost cause she’s gone.’ I feel the pain all over again.” She says sobbing. I pull her into my chest and cradle her. I run my fingers through her hair and repeat the words “It’s okay...I’m here.” I slowly rock her back and forth in attempt to calm her down. She shakes and trembles in my arms crying. I place my chin on the top of her head and say “Take deep breaths Octavia.” Octavia whimpers within each breath. “Shhhhh” I say still rocking her.

Octavia:
   As Clarke rocks my body and holds me tight I try to calm myself. It was early and we were both exhausted. I held her shirt tight with on hand and wrapped my hand around her back with the other. She continued to say my name and tell me everything would be okay. I listened to every word she said. As I started to calm down I felt my eyes feel like there were weights trying to close them. I refused though. I didn’t want another nightmare. I couldn’t deal with it again. I listened to the silence in the room besides my jagged breathing and Clarke’s soothing words. I felt Clarke bring a blanket up over my shoulder and pull me with her as she leaned back onto the backboard of the bed. I kept my arm around her back tightly.

Clarke:
   I could tell that Octavia was exhausted from the way her eyes fluttered. My goal was to get her back to sleep feeling safe and secure. As I rubbed my hand up and down her back and held her close to me with the other, I felt her hand fall from behind me and looked down. She was falling asleep. I stayed silent and continued what I was doing. She fought sleep until it finally embraced her and she fell limp in my arms. I sighed a sigh of relief. Because she is a deep sleeper, I adjusted her so that I was laying down with my hand around her back and the other holding the side of her face. Octavia’s head laid on my lower shoulder and her hand rested on my chest after her grip slipped from holding onto my gown. I pulled the blanket the rest of the way up her shoulder and placed my hand on Octavia’s. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
     I woke up around 11 with Bellamy in the room waiting for us to wake up. Octavia was still asleep with her hand under mine on my chest and her head on my shoulder. She hadn’t moved and inch. I stayed still and looked to Bellamy who watched as I woke up and laid my eyes on Octavia. “Hey.” He said looking at me. “Hi.” I said back quietly and softly. “How was your night?” He asked gesturing to Octavia. I sighed and said “She woke up in the middle of the night crying. She told me what her nightmares were about.” I said. Bellamy looked up and asked what they were about. I hesitated because what I was about to say was a touchy subject for the Blake siblings. “It uh...It was about…” I said thinking about whether or not I should tell the truth or not. “You can tell me Clarke...I need to know so I can help her.” Bellamy said. I looked from Bellamy to Octavia and thought. If he could make her better maybe it was worth it. I took a deep breath and said “She is having nightmares about an accident. One that killed your mother. She says that she can feel it all over again...that she can see it all clearly.” Bellamy’s face dropped at the words. He looked to Octavia and kept his gaze on her. He broke his gaze and looked to the floor. “I tried to keep her from seeing anything. She was only 5. She didn’t understand what was happening until she saw mom.” He said looking from the ground to me. “I didn’t know she was dreaming about that.” He said hesitantly. He walked over and put a hand on Octavia’s shoulder and kissed her forehead softly. I simply smiled a sad smile and said “Don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over.” He was taken back by my words. I looked to him and said “She cried for about 2 hours but she fell asleep in my arms after I rocked her for a while.” Bellamy looked to me and nodded “Thank you for being there for her” He said with a slight smile. I smiled back and nodded. I felt movement on my chest and looked down.

Octavia:
   As I came out of my deep sleep I looked up to see Clarke looking down at me. I smiled slightly. Everything that happened in the middle of the night came back and I looked a little embarrassed. Bellamy put a hand on my leg and said “Hey O.” I smiled and said “Hi” back. I felt bad forcing Clarke to have to come into my bed to relax me. She needed rest too. “I’m sorry” I said looking up at Clarke. Clarke looked down at me and said “No don’t be. EVeryone needs a little reassurance sometimes.” And smiled. I nodded and continued to lay in the warmth of Clarke’s arms. I didn’t want to move. It was so relaxing where I was laying. All of a sudden my relaxing moment came to an end as a familiar feeling came back. One that wasn’t supposed to come back. I felt my whole body tense up and I looked up at Clarke in full worry and then everything got fuzzy.