the relationship [sequel]

confusion

One week of pain. One week of never seeing him. One week of watching as he flopped down in bed every night and fell asleep immediately. One week of watching him stress over perfecting everything. One week of never getting to be near him in fear of someone seeing.

One week where I regretted ever agreeing to come back to this life.

He was ignoring me again as he scrolled through his phone and I sat feeling like my whole body was one fire. We were alone for once, and he was too busy to even look my way. I was trying my best to understand, but this new world was too hard to get a grip of firmly.

How did people do this?

"What's happening between us?" I whispered to him, the pain thick in my voice, "We're just drifting apart. I thought...I thought being together was supposed to bring us closer."

He looked at me with wide eyes, dropping his phone on his chest as he gave me his undivided attention for the first time in what felt like days.

"Where has this come from?"

And there he was, making me feel stupid for voicing my emotions. I couldn't help but wince at the pain and embarrassment which surged through me.

"Why did you ask me to come here?" I asked him slowly, barely able to meet his eyes.

Here we were, in some kind of strangely forced relationship, and it felt like we were strangers.

"Do you understand how much work I have to do?" he spat at me, "Do you think I want to spend all my time doing press conferences and interviews? Sound checks and rehearsals so that everything is perfect? You don't think I want to spend my time here with you?"

There was something in his tone that left a sour taste in my mouth. The air around us felt too dense, too hot, too claustrophobically close. This wasn't how relationships should go. Everything felt so forced.

"Do you even like me?" I mumbled, playing with the hem of my shirt.

"Do you even know me?" He replied, not avoiding the question but clearly voicing his own insecurities.

We stared at each other for a moment, both of us so vulnerable and helpless. Why didn't it feel right? Everytime I had imagined what dating Namjoon would be life, it had always been so easy. But in reality it felt like we were driving down a road with a sharp cliff on either side.

"At least when you hated me I understood you," I said to no one in particular, now completely unable to meet his gaze, "But now I feel like you could be anyone. One day you are a man I love, the next you are a stranger."

The silence that hung over us was worse than any argument. At least an argument gives you a reason to be annoyed, but the ambiguity surrounding us was choking. To constantly not know where you stood with someone was too much to bear.

"All I know is that I like you," Namjoon whispered, offering up an open arm as a peace negotiation, "And I assume that all the other stuff will fall into place."

I succumbed to his words and snuggled into his chest, dropping my arguments despite the fact that he hadn't truly reassured me. My heart was still heavy as we lay in silence, and as I listened to the sound of his heartbeat I couldn't ignore the churning my stomach.

It all felt so wrong.

But how do you tell the man you love that loving him feels wrong?

And so I remained quiet, and eventually dozed off. When I woke, I found him still in my arms and the night sky washing into the room with its soft glow.

I imagined vanishing into that night sky. Would I have been happier if I did? Was holding onto the past just a road to despair and unfulfillment?

But casting my eyes back over to Namjoon, these thoughts were silenced. Love was never something that was supposed to easy, but it felt so easy to love Namjoon when I looked at how ethereal he looked sleeping.

I envied my past self. How easily I had loved without restraint. How I had loved a man who never loved me back.

Because it felt like loving someone who loved you back could lead to more pain than anything.

"Goddamn Jackson," I muttered under my breath, enjoying the moment of serenity before the inevitable fall back into a pit of confusion.

-

look, these chapters are shite I am well aware, I need to replan this book because it's not interesting.

please vote and comment if you enjoyed 💜