the relationship [sequel]

leaving

I sat with tears in my eyes again, my phone discarded on the bed as I hugged my knees to my chest. They may have only been words, but they stung more than any blow, cut, or break. No matter how hard I tried to console myself, the things people were saying about me online were slowly ripping me apart.

People always want someone to place the blame on. And somehow my press conference had made me that person. The internet had gotten bored of accusing the boys of things they hadn't done, and so they turned to me. And tweet by tweet they tore me apart.

The tour continued, the world continued moving, but I was stuck inside a digital world. I couldn't stop refreshing my feed, couldn't stop reading the news headlines, and couldn't stop myself from starting to think that maybe some of the things they were saying were true.

Maybe I wasn't good enough for any of the boys. Maybe I wasn't worth being allowed in their presence. I couldn't imagine what kind of backlash I would receive if they knew the whole truth.

People were saying that I was lying, saying that I had forced myself on the boys, saying that I was a crazy fan who had somehow brainwashed the boys. And all I could do was watch as people spouted these lies, completely helpless as how to solve them.

Namjoon told me time and time again that they would eventually stop. That was the way public shaming went. Eventually they would get bored of me and move on to the next person they could destroy. But it felt relentless.

The door clicked open and Namjoon walked in, looking exhausted after the show they had that evening.

"You're still awake?" He questioned, his eyes softening at the sight of my bloodshot eyes.

"I can't do this anymore."

It felt like the world stilled around us as we remained in silence, staring at each other and daring the other person to speak.

"You can't deal with the hate anymore or you can't do us anymore?" he asked, a coldness already seeping into his voice.

And with those words I broke down.

I hated admitting it to myself, but being around Namjoon had brought more pain than happiness. It was too overwhelming to cope with, and I knew deep down I wasn't strong enough to deal with everything I would have to face. It was like we didn't know each other really - and that was ultimately our downfall.

"I need to go home," I whispered, unable to look him in the eye.

I heard the breath leave his body, and for a moment he closed his eyes and tried to compose himself.

"Why do I always lose you?" his voice cracked as he came and sat next to me, "Every time I feel like I finally get my chance, we are always separated. It's like it's the universe's way to tell us that we are never meant to be together. But I love you so much it hurts. How can that be true?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but I had nothing to say. Because it didn't make sense that two people who felt so connected could also be so separate.

"I'd rather be anywhere but here," I said firmly, trying to get rid of the shaking of my voice.

"I'm lost without you," he tried to hold my hand but I held it close to me, knowing that his touch would make me tumble into his arms and never want to let go.

The silence after this confirmed both our thoughts. We were never meant to be. At least not there, not then, not in that lifetime. There were too many obstacles that crushed us, blocked our paths, and made it nearly impossible to progress.

"Let me hold you one last time, please?" he whimpered, and I looked over to see the tears already rolling his cheeks.

But I forced myself to shake my head, just like I forced myself to turn away from him while I cried silently into my pillow. Together alone we were perfect. It was the rest of the world got in the way.

All I want to do was hug him. Hold him. Kiss him. Let him know how much he had impacted my life.

***

The moment the plane wheels left the runaway I squeezed my eyes shut. Namjoon had begged me to stay the whole morning, but my resolution remained firm. This new world threatened to ruin me, and as much as love was pure and beautiful, it also felt like searing pain.

I knew I could never return to normality. But I needed to get my feet back on solid ground after free falling from heaven.

-

sorry for the short and late chapter, I swear this isn't the end.

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