Never Been Said

Part 10

"One of the hardest things is when you are trying to reach out for a person who seems ignoring you." 

I posted in my My Day in Instagram and he saw it. Hindi naman siguro sya manhid para hindi maramdaman na siya ang pinapatamaan ko.

For a while I stopped reaching out. Pero talo ako ng emosyon ko, kasi namimiss ko sya. Sobrang namimiss ko sya pero ang bigat bigat na nang nararamdaman ko. It was a torture to me. At hindi nya alam yun.

Last week ng November meron kaming seminar and it was about Robotics. Most of what we have discussed there were about electronics and programming using Arduino. Naalala ko na naman sya. Remember he is ECE. Ignoring that he was ignoring me, I still sent different pictures of what I was doing. Kahit seen lang. Nakakatawa minessage ko pa sya nun eh. I was narrating what I was doing and telling him that I remember him on what we were actually doing. At alam niyo ba kung anong reply nya? It took more than 4 hrs yata bago sya nagreply. "Ahh.. ayos nga yan ma'am." One liner. Halata ko na naman na nagpapakatanga na lang ako. I was desperately waiting for him to come back again.

Few days after hindi na ako nakatiis.

Me : May problema ba? Okay pa ba tayo?

Him : Oo nmn. Ok naman.

Me : Para kasing nagbago ka na.

Him : Busy lang talaga. :( Huhu. Dami gawa.

Me : Hindi ka na kagaya ng dati. Kung may problema ka alam mo naman na pde mo akong kausapin db?

At hineart nya lang yung huli kong sinabi. Busy? Busy daw? Tingin niyo naman naniwala ako. Naniniwala pa din kasi ako na there's no such term as busy kung ikaw ang priority. Too sad, at hindi ako ang priority nya. Alam ko na yung ganitong feeling eh. I was at this same situation 5 years ago. Ganitong ganito din sya. Busy daw, yun pala busy na sa iba.

I prayed to God na sabi ko sana bigyan nya pa ako ng isa pang pagkakataon para magkita kami. Last na talaga and I will ask him what was happening. Pinagbigyan naman ako. And it was because of our mutual friend who passed away. This friend of him was his collegue while this friend was a brother of my adviser in my thesis.

December 1, 2018 when he chatted me if I will visit this mutual friend at sabay na daw kami. Kabang kaba ako kasi it has been a month simula nung huli kaming magkita. And I asked this from God na pag nagkita ulit kami tatanungin ko na sya, sasabihin ko na mga bagay na gusto kong linawin. Ang tanga ko ano? Sama na naman ako. Pinapakiramdaman ko kasi sarili ko. Feeling ko kasi ito na yung huling araw na magkikita kami.

Sabay nga kaming pumunta at pagdating namin dun binati agad sya ng mga kaklase nya nung college. 

Pinakilala nya ulit ako, "Si Kayziah nga pala.", wala namang label. Hays. 

Then pagpasok namin sa loob nakita namin yung girlfriend ni Gabby, the one who passed away.

"Si Kayziah nga pala." Pakilala nya ulit sken.

"Girlfriend mo?", tanong ni ate girl. He just smiled. "Ito ba hindi ipakilala ng maayos eh."

Tapos pumasok na kami sa loob. While we were sitting and looking at the picture of this friend who passed away at the age of 27, I realized how short life is. Sobrang iksi lang talaga ng buhay. Hindi mo masasabi kung kailan babawiin sayo yung buhay na ipinahiram sayo. Napatanong tuloy ako sa sarili ko, did I use the life he has lend me fruitfully? Worth it ba mga pinaggagawa ko? Bigla ko tuloy naisip na paano pala kung ito na ung huling araw ko din sa mundo? Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin para walang what ifs? Hays. Gagawin ko na ba? Tatanungin ko ba sya kung anong nangyare? Kung anong sagot nya sa tanong ko? Tahimik lang kami pareho. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang tension, ang awkwardness at ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Parang kinakapos ako ng hininga. Naiiyak ako. Hindi ko na kaya tong nararamdaman ko. Hirap na hirap na ako. Pagod na pagod na akong magpanggap na okay lang sa akin lahat. Nakakaiyak na hindi ko mailabas yung gusto kong sabihin.