What I See

part 23

I loved you

You were my brother
And you were my strength
And I was yours

When you needed me
I was there

I never left you
I never let go of you

I couldn't always see when you were weak
Or broken

But when I could,
I tried to fix you

With soft words
And soft smiles

And when that didn't work
A soft friend
Sitting next to you
In the sunshine on cold concrete

But when I needed you
When I was screaming into the empty night

You were there
For a fleeting second

You said yes
And then you said no

I needed you

I needed your voice

Your rough voice

That scratched at the walls trapping me
Holding me under
Caging me in my numb walls

So I backed away

Scared to bother you
To stress you

When it hadn't been a fear before

When you had welcomed my screams
And made my night less lonely
Less empty

You let me cry on your floor

You put loud music on

To cover my sobs from your mother

And I loved you for it

You crouched next to me
On that dark carpet

And you held me
Whiskey on your breath
Laughing with your friend

But next to me

You let me empty my fears onto your shoulder
You let me catch my breath

And you never said it bothered you

You straightened up
And strengthened yourself
And put your armor on against the world

You didn't let anyone see your weakness
The weakness
Buried deep within your chest
Only lashing out as whips
Striking through tense air
Cranking your walls for a second
Before your laugh covered it up

But I would always be there for you

Even when you didn't want me

When you said you were fine

We were fine

But I wasn't fine

And I needed you

You said yes
And then you said no

And I resented you for it

I was cold
And too hot

And I couldn't breathe

I needed you to be my air

But you wouldn't be my air

I resented you for that

I didn't want to hate you
But I hated you

When you asked for help
Shed your armor for a moment
And let me be your chain mail

I was immediately there for you

I'd always be there for you

And when I told you I could want you
And love you

You backed away more

When I told you I was weak
And it wasn't true

You stayed away

I wanted you back

I wanted us back

I wanted my brother

But you were no longer mine

You'll never be mine