Once Again, I Dreamt of Water

What Heaven Is

I think Heaven will be like a first kiss.

-Sarah Addison Allen, The Sugar Queen

If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I'd like to do

Is to save every day

'Til eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you.

If I could make days last forever

If words could make wishes come true

I'd save every day like a treasure and then,

Again, I would spend them with you

-Jim Croce, "Time in a Bottle"

JACOB: I am eavesdropping on Alondra. She sits at her current blue desk or should I say turquoise, with her head leaning against her arm. Here is what she writes: "Buy or maybe check out poetry books . . . succeed in the translation of my novel Best Intonations for Love or War. Make time for reading and painting with the girls again . . . find room for growth and space for oil and acrylic paints and blank pre-primed canvases like we are every day. New shoes . . . show my best feet to the world. New blouse and pants . . . feel sexy again. "

My leaves sway, as I yawn yearning for a nap. It is about twilight. Hope I dream of Alondra.

ALONDRA: I sit at the dining table and scoot my chair closer to the table; my two girls do the same. Estéfani, my five-year-old who is wise beyond her years, says, Mommy, I know you and Daddy won't live forever. With ham and eggs in my mouth, I swallow quickly and say, Who told you that? Cecilia says We won't know when, but I know sometime that you will go away forever. I put my fork down.

Cecilia! Why would you say something like that?

Cecilia's response is to bolt from the table into the other room.

I follow her and find her hiding in my king-size bed.

Sorry, Mom, I didn't mean to do it. Sorry, bebe.

Stéf quietly sniffles. Mommy! she whimpers

Shh. Está bien, está bien, Stéfi

I'm not going anywhere. I pat her and try to ease her fears. I'm right here, you see?

Look, listen to me: and I kneel in front of Stéf, holding her. Pápi loves you too, too much. He won't die, not until God wants to take him.

God's going to take him . . . where, Mommy?

I pause and choose to say the following: to heaven. (I couldn't believe myself, saying all this, when I'm not sure of anything at the moment, least of all what heaven is.)

And what's heaven, Mommy?

It's . . . let me see, how do I explain this, it's a place full of . . . pretty clouds and rainbows, sun and laughter. We will meet Jesus and our guardian angel.

Who is Jesus, Mommy?

You don't remember Jesus, Stéf? Cecilia asks.

Stef shrugs.

Jesus is . . . the son of God.

Look, Stéfi, in this beautiful place called heaven we will live forever and ever and ever! Nothing to worry about, see? Nobody's dying. At least not today.

It is evening now, and we all lie in bed together.

How did you meet our pápi? Cecilia asks as she holds her face.

I smile as I reflect back on that old memory.

We fell in love at the bakery. Isn't that sweet?

Oh yes, that's pretty, pretty darn sweet.

That's how I want to meet my boyfriend one day! Little Stéfi adds.

I continue to muse, delighting in teasing the girls. He fell in love with me when he tasted some cookies-cookies I made for him!

He fell in love because of cookies? Stéfi bursts into the happiest laugh.

That's how I want to make my boyfriend fall in love with me one day, Cecilia says with a giggle.

He fell in love with me, too, because I gave him the best hugs and kisses, I add, winking.

They ask me how I felt when I gave him that first hug and that first kiss.

I consider the question a moment.

Hmm . . . I think I felt giggly and had butterflies!

Cecilia's joy shows in her face. That's how I want to feel when I get my first kiss!

Stéfi asks, incredulous, You really had butterflies?

Of course, she doesn't understand the metaphor.

How could I have real butterflies? I respond with a laugh. If I had, though, I'm sure your pápi would've caught one for me if I had wanted him to.

I climb out of bed and stroll over to the bathroom-where I shed a tear in front of the mirror. I control myself and decide to take my pills.

Do you love our pápi? Cecilia asks.

I nod, blinking tears back, and say, Yeah.

Mommy, how was I born? Little Stéfi asks. The sweetest days in my entire life were the days you girls were born. Time completely stopped for me the moment I held each one of you close. Eight years ago, Ceci was born, I had seen her in my dreams crawling, calling me Mommy. Stéfi, you were ten pounds of curiosity, eleven ounces of melodies.

Your pápi sang for both of you, each unique day, he crowned you with a melody. To Ceci, he sang "Time in a Bottle" in the sweetest voice a father could have. To Stéfi he sang "Isn't She Lovely." He was in love with his babies in those moments. Time completely stopped for him. He wept. Then Ceci asked, He was that happy, Mom, Pápi cried?

Yes, he did, amor. Your pápi, he loves you both so, so much. His life is a melody because of you two. Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine we'd have the sweetest, most beautiful, and most intelligent girls in all the world. And here you are today. I paused and noticed the shadows beginning to rise on the trunk of the Jacaranda tree outside. Hold on, what time is it, baby? I ask Cecilia, who has a pink watch on. She looks at it, inwardly counting. It's 5:22, Mommy. Pápi should be here! And so he was. Baby! Estéfano runs to meet Stéfi's arms, then to Ceci, and then to me. I start to cry. He looks confused. Qué pasó! What is it? I respond, collectedly, and breathe. I just told your daughters the story today . . . the story of how we met, and how they were born. How you sang a melody for each of them, in the hospital. Estéfano smiles at the memory. It was always my dream to have two little girls, a baby boy, and a beautiful wife. And dreams come true! He kisses my forehead and adds, just need my boy.