Once Again, I Dreamt of Water

Changing Track

'Cause you make me feel like I'm more than a friend

Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end I may never pass this way again

That's why I want it with you

—Seals and Crofts, "We May Never Pass This Way Again"

ANNA CAMILA: My emotions like rivers, like wind, winding DNA are changing; like a train changing track. Feelings are strange. Life is moving, is never stagnant. The earth is round and not flat, and it spins on an axis. Life is the passenger in seat shifting, from this leg crossed to the other, from this book to another. Then there is this stranger sitting or standing near you, and you start conversing with them, you then go back to your magazine, book, or that fear, panic attack, that love you lack for yourself, your friends, your parents, your kids, or even your pets and sometimes your spouse. Can't we love ourselves and other like we are meant to – without fear, without inhibitions?

We never want to lose our trees, our life, our home, our sunlight, our earth—so close the door to negativity and open the screen door to the wind of prosperity and humility and leave all fear behind. I don't know where I am going with this, but where I want to do want to go is to that place where the stars are born and seen shining above like souls. These eternal gifts of luminosity and wisdom. My emotions for that dummy are changing—Estéfano never deserved my love, no. But will I let him go? Will I pass or throw? Show me the way, Shepherd of mine, dear heart, dear Lord; I am not religious, but I need you now. And I mean now; just kidding, God. Sorry for my little jokes. Estéfano, I want to leave you, but you already left me. Will I haunt you and stalk you, or will I leave you alone—all for Alondra's bones? I don't know. Lord forgive me for having wanted to have a baby bump just to catch Estéfano in a net. I don't want that anymore. I will instead love Davey Angel, my angel, the one you've sent me.

He abandoned his notebook in the back seat of the car, I read it, from page one to page none. My tears fell to the pages, blotting out poetic words. I confiscated his taped notebook to throw it at his face when he returned. If Estéfano hadn't returned would you have dated Alondra? Of course not! Davey answered. But no reply could alleviate my hurt. We are boyfriend and girlfriend already, and this notebook was the notebook of confession. And when I returned from my pain: it was all over; the tears were gone, dry; there were none in my eyes. And Davey Angel held me longer than I thought he would.

Dear Davey,

I'm writing this letter at night. I am sitting at my desk listening to "Persiana Americana" by Soda Estéreo, saddened by the fact that Gustavo has now passed away, appreciating every chord of his guitars and every pitch and tone of his voice that now belongs to the good angels. How close to tragedy I was once, Davey. I'm sure Estéfano told you, right? How I tried to drown myself one night all because Estéfano had dumped me for his girl, Alondra. I didn't know he was taken, Davey; if I had known, I would never have even dreamed of dating him. He lured me in. He was unfaithful to me just as much as to Alondra. I wish I had never slept with him, but what can I do? What's done is done, and I'm not going to complain. I loved him, true, but now I love you. So what happened that dreadful night? To start off, there was an unusual hush, hardly a breeze. It was night. My heart felt freezing cold. I felt abandoned again. I was going to sink. I cannot swim, but the sea threw me up that night, it took pity on me, Someone loved me, the ocean refused to be complicit in my death.

My God, what was that? It was me. My body was floating over the waves in a nightmare - I was wrapped inside a white cloak with golden algae concealing my eyes. That could have been me! A ghost on the waves tangled amid seaweed and dead.

My inner peace comes. I'm not dead, but alive!

Thank God, thank you Jesus!

See you tonight Davey baby,

Anna Camila