Tattooed Emotions

a big ol' author's note

obviously, dan uploaded his video today about his struggles with homophobia and bullying in his past, and the way that impacted him mentally, as well as briefly touching upon the fact that he and phil are "more than friends" but he didn't want to go further into it because his relationships are private.

i just feel like i need to say this somewhere because it has impacted be massively and i am so grateful he made the video and put so much effort into it.

so i didn't really ship phan profusely (kind of the 'it would be nice if they were together they are cute together' thing but that's about it) nor did i see them as gay or straight or anything because i don't care, its not important who you are into and honestly coming out shouldn't have to be a thing. but a few time over the past couple of years i have found myself wondering how they would do it if they were going to come out as gay/straight/whatever. dan blew away my expectations for this and this is the first time i have cried tears of happiness for a very long time. when he said he had gotten so low as to actually attempted suicide, my heart dropped. i know all these phanfictions saying he is suicidal exist and obviously i am a contributor to this, but these phanfictions i have read and written were merely a vent for my own thoughts. NEVER have i thought it was true or wished it to be so painfully accurate! i'm so, SO glad that he failed and i can't even process that he got that far into his mind to even consider it. this man has helped me through so much and so often that it never crossed my mind that the reason he was so good at knowing what to say - was that he had experienced it all himself. the offhand comments about bullying at school i pushed aside as merely jokes about a little verbal abuse that he could handle, but the fact that it was so much worse than that makes me so so angry at the people that got their sick twisted enjoyment out of crushing this beautiful man like that. i know how difficult it is to tear yourself away from the thoughts of suicide - especially when you have committed to it and feel like there is nothing left - that feeling of losing all hope is really difficult to come back from and i'm so glad he did. he is so strong. i can tell already that this is the video which i will watch when i find myself in that hole of despair trying to lift myself out, and i know that it will genuinely save my life, and many others'. i'm so thankful for phil lester. he is amazing and has done so much what an absolute legend. this video today have given me hope that one day i will be free from the negative and transphobic people in my life, and i will always bring back to myself that it actually does get better.

dan gave me hope, and that's something i find particularly difficult to have.

as for these books, i will keep them up. i know how important it is to have something of this content around whilst being in these negative thoughts. as i said before, these have always been a vent for me, and when writing and reading phanfictions my mind doesn't connect anything with how i see them in real life and on the internet. they are purely fictitious and i would like to keep it that way. scarily accurate at times, but fictitious none the less.

something i have found helpful recently is the use of metaphorical language in the context of poems. i used to hate poems, and was brought up in a family with not much care for them. but i was also brought up in a family of cisgendered straight people with impeccable mental health. i should have probably figured i wasn't going to conform to their views on artistic expression.

if you find yourself struggling, please, even if you feel like all you want is something that displays your feelings and struggles, works like this can drag you down also. please tale time to fill your life with positivity as well - because otherwise you will find yourself unable to see anything left.

and that's where you get stuck.

i'm so thankful for everything dan has done and no doubt will continue to do. thank you for reading this and i wish you the very best.

see you later,

Tom.