Hidden Letters

Diary (letter 67)

*Sometimes when I write in my  diary, I write it as if I was talking to someone...I just don't remember who I was writing it to. So that kinda explains why I write "you" sometimes. 

Dear Diary,

        I'm sorry I do this...        

I know you don't understand...and that's okay. I find relief when I do it. I know it hurts you to see them. Which is why I try so hard to hide them from you, but it's not that easy. I have to move my hands a lot in school so my hissing gives it away. The bracelets slide against it, re opening the wounds. There's no need for you to tell me it's wrong..I know it is! 

        When my scars were marked..all your thoughful caring words became a blurr as the tears poured down and the whispers faded. I should stop. I always tell myself that..and I make empty promises to you that it won't happen again. One day all this will go away and I won't feel the pain anymore, but I don't know when that day will come. 

        It hurts me when you see them. I see the disappointment in your eyes, the saddness and it makes me feel guiltly. I feel ashamed and reget just knowing that I hurt you more than what I'm doing to myself. The time they were marked I forgot about everything and that is why I do it! It makes me forget, it takes away the pain. 

        I understand your anger and why you yell at me. I can't even look in your eyes anymore..I feel like the more I talk about it, the more it hurts you!  I don't mean to hurt you, this is why I say not to ask! 

        Don't search me! You know I did it again. Why do you need to see them? I try to push you away but keep you close by. I want to be alone but I want you by my side at the same time. I'm compllicated, I'm troubled, I'm a mess..I told you that from the start! I'm confused and I search for answers but end up more confused than ever before. I don't feel the same and I know I'm not the girl you used to know..I see it too, I'm hiding from everyone. Not even my family notices, but I'm glad they don't. I don't know what I'll do if they ever did anyway. 

        My dark nightmares come to haunt me...they remind me that one day, you'll leave too. So I should stop leaning on you for support. I should stop trying to look for the peace. Peace is just another fantasy. I know I'm not alone but no one seems to hear the cries I shout! I kick and scream but no one is to be seen .

                   I'm lost in a dark empty forest with my blade for protection, but for what? Myself? I don't seem to use it much, only to get rid of my fears as if having scars makes me stronger like a badge of honor. Many people have told to move on, forget the past and never look back! But don't we have to look back so we won't make the same mistakes again? So guess what I do? I look back and I'm scared of what I see. It's like it's happening again and everything flashing through my mind..all the pain. So I run away! Light never shines around and I've learnt how to survive this dark world. Now I walk on my own, with my battle scars. Until one day I can't hold it all in anymore and I explode, crashing into the ground crying everything out and feeling weak. Anger soon taking over because I hate the feeling, hate what it does to me. So I mark another red mark to help me forget again. Another day starts and I know it'll be the same routine again. I never say everything that needs to be let out, but it's enough to make them stop asking. Love isn't what I need..I just want peace with the world and myself.

                Now answer me honestly...Do I sound crazy!?   

Brokenhearted Unseen

       

* I know it's long, I think there all going to be like that. You don't have to answer the question. I tried to make the song match to the letter but I got tired of listening to the songs, they were making me depressed. So the song doesn't really match but I liked it so..yup!        

P.S. BrokenHearted Unseen is my signature in my diary.