* The letters have a number, meaning that's how many letters I've written. It skips because I'm only sharing some of them and It's only about two more I'll write.
Dear Diary,
Tell me why I make make stupid mistakes all the time!?
Why am I so WORTHLESS!?
....Why do I feel this like this...like I'm going crazy out of my mind!?
I know what I do is wrong..I said that so many times yet I still do it...but why do you judge me everytime when I Know it's wrong. Why can't I do anything right!? Why am I such a fool to be like this...I hate the way I am around people. I shouldn't care what they think. Why am I so afraid to be myself? Why do I sit by myself in my endless thoughts that only make me feel worse, make me mad, make feel weak, and make me do it again when I have friends who care about me? Nothing seems to go right when I'm around. I feel like I'm the reason why things don't work out.
I'm not as strong as people think I am, but I'm glad they don't because then they would treat me differently. I don't want their pity. I had enough people telling me I'm weird, that I'm worthless, that I have nothing to live for...that I'll probably kill myself anyway. I have had those thoughts before but I know that's not a solution. Still though the thoughts come and go, sometimes the pain is stronger and that's when I look for the blade. I can never leave my blade behind. I feel unsafe without it. If I ever do leave without it, I freak out, I'll get fidgety all day until I have it with me.
No one knows that I carry it with me at all times, only my close friends do. I know they don't like the idea of me having it with me. They don't want me to do it, but they also know that they can't stop me. No matter what they say, nothing they say will stop me. It's not that I'm too stubborn to stop. It's that I can't stop. I don't know if you'll understand....it's like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking. But I'm not addicted in doing it. It just helps me forget. You're probably wondering what it is that I'm trying to forget...well everybody has their secrets.
I hate the way I am...I try so hard to change. I don't want to be the serious girl who's always quiet and boring. Usually I wouldn't have a problem with being called "serious" but I don't want to be that person anymore. I see how other girls are...always smiling and laughing. Why can't I do that? Why can't I smile a REAL smile? They look so free while I feel like I have chains weighing me down. I always feel glum even when nothing seems to bother me, yet I still have a depressed look. That's probably why no one wants me around. Sometimes it's a good thing to be serious, your able to help people more, but sometimes it gets to be too much. I'm the type of person that "cares too much". It's in my nature to care for people, to reach out and help them. Here is why it isn't a good thing, you start to carry their problems for them, instead of helping them, you're fighting their problem for them while at the same time you're fighting your own battles, but you still help them even if you're the one getting hurt. It all just builds up too be too much to carry.
I have my friends who care very much about me, but some how I still feel alone. They know almost everything about me, they know how I am. We don't even have to talk, they know right away when they see me when something's wrong. They know my face expressions and my body language. But I still can't help the feeling of being alone. I'm not like them, their fun to be around with, I just sit there. I try to have fun but for some reason I just can't. And it's fustrating!
-BrokenHearted Unseen
*Does anyone else feel like this?
YOU ARE READING
Hidden Letters
Short StoryLetters, Notes whatever you want to call them. This will repeat the same message or sound the same..by that I mean a lot or most of the letters are about self harm in my own thoughts.
