Hidden Letters

Diary ( Letter 71)

 

Dear Diary, 

        Many people don't understand or see why people self-harm and to be honest, I think it best if you don't ask,"Why?" Many people who self-harm will understand when I say that sometimes we don't even know why we do it. It's complicated to explain...sometimes it helps us forget...gets rid of the fear, the anger, the pain.

You think we're weird and stupid. Call us freaks because our answer to your question would be that "we like the feeling of the razor or knife slice through the soft skin leaving the red trail of the red warm stream to flow. "  

Leaving the skin to get big and puffy red. There is no feeling..everything's numb. Later on the sting will remind us of the red scar that is forming. It stings to the point when we can't move our wrists .

The cuts become dry and we leave them alone and feel the scars when we're in fear to keep calm. Clean them when they need to be cleaned or marking them again when the scars start to fade. People just stare but nothing needs to be said, the expression on your face says it all. 

I know other people have it worse but I just can't help it! I can't help the way I feel, the pain, the fear, the anger, I can't control that! It doesn't matter if you don't understand it because to me this is a solution. But you should know that I do TRY to do anything I can to stop from doing it. Running till I can't feel my legs anymore...Tune out the world...write..I try to distract myself but nothing stops the bleeding scar from appearing. 

Staring at my old friend telling me that I can never run away from it. It's like I'm addicted, I just have to accept that this is the way I am...I'm just glad no one notices anymore.  I have to be strong for those who are troubled.  I silence my scars so that no one will see the red marks underneath my sleeves. The wounds will heal on their own and because the heal I know I won't have to hide my wrists for long unless it happens again. 

You know what stresses me more than anything? It's that everyday it's like I'm introduced to something troubled. Having to fake a smile just to get through the day without anyone questioning me. One day I'm silent only because once I start to speak the salty water will spill. As I explain my stupid endless comlaining of my life, the anger just grows stronger, losing control of  my breathing, all kinds of emotions running through me, the confusion, the fustration! The fucking urge to find that blade!  The cries inside my head whispering the same thing over and over that I'm worthless to those around me. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm holding up to much. I'm trying to be a heroe but knowing I can't help them if I can't heal myself but sometimes all a person needs is someone to listen;Someone who will understand....

It's complicated to explain self-harm, everyone has their own way of seeing it. NO IT'S NOT FOR ATTENTION!! 

STOP pretending like you know everything and just listen! Both you and I know that when we say " It's nothing, I'm fine." It's a fucking lie. This is when it gets even more complicated because even though we say we don't want to talk about it: we do but we don't let our inner voice out! Why? Well, I don't know. But please don't go, don't leave us alone because although you hear us say " Leave me Alone!" -Don't. We yell and scream for you to go away but deep inside we need you by our side, because once you leave the red stream will flood. 

We're confused as hell like we live it everyday. There are days when I'm okay and for a moment I feel happy but that soon washes away as depression kicks in once again. Sometimes we try to change to "fit in" it never works so we stop trying and start crying for help to understand your ways. 

I do fear the day I'll go too deep, the cuts only get deeper....I can't control the angry tears, I run my fingers through my hair and breath...trying to figure out what to do, but at the end of the day the razor always wins. 

To be honest I go insane when I don't do it, of course when we we mark the bleeding scar..we make sure that no one's around. We run away and hide in search for something sharp! A pointed stick, a rock we rub until the edge is sharp, an old nail anything! 

I'm 17 and I can't deal with the bullshit I have to go through. I know that my "adult life" will only be worse, with the stress and everything. My enegry wasted within the time that's ticking.        

       - BrokenHearted Unseen

        *I know that not everyone thinks this way, so if anybody feels offened I'm sorry. These are my thoughts and I know sometimes I don't make sense.