Hidden Letters

Diary (Letter 70)

        Dear Diary,

        There are times when I can't control what I feel.. and sometimes I think it isn't normal to think this way. I see how different I am from my friends. Sometimes I wonder why they are my friends in the first place...I try no to think so much because then I get depressed...Will anyone ever love me enough to accept me for who I am? Who would want to change me? Why? I have already had a hard time trying to figure out who I am exactly....I never did figure it out but that's all I ever known. Does that make sense?

Compared to eveyone else I'm the serious, I'm weird, I'm emo, I'm ugly and so the list goes on....I have a dark past but I also believe everyone does.  Everybody has secrets and everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I don't believe in happiness, There is no such thing;It's just relief of not being in the horrible situation. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't control the urge! I don't feel anything anymore..I guess you could say I feel numb. No one understands..even if I tried to explain it to you; you won't understand. It sucks to sit around with smiling people who judge you. I know they don't say a word to me but I also know I read body language and I know your getting tired of me leaning on you for support, which is why I have stopped..I got distant. I feel alone even though I have people who love me...don't get me wrong I am gratful for having them with me but they just don't understand the way I think, the way I feel, all these crazy things that I can never let go.

It's hard to explain it exactly. I like the feeling of the metal razor slice through my skin leaving a red path of cold blood behind. The scars heal, and dry up and whenever I feel like I can't take it then I feel my scars  and it clams me down. But I'm going to be honest with you, I miss my scars as soon as they heal I grab the razor and make new ones. It used to be so it could help me forget my dark  past, or when I felt weak or worthless, now I do it for satisfaction.

This is something people will never understand. But it doesn't matter anymore...life goes the way it wants to go. You can't control everything that goes through your mind, your feelings and that's just the way things work. Somethings we will never understand but there comes a time when everything will make sense. Everybody acts a different way in school, with friends and family. Everybody hides there true personality because they're still trying to figure out who they are..what they want to do...

I think I'm just writing on and on without reason. I just write whatever comes to mind. It sometimes doesn't even make sense or go with the letter...

Life sucks overall is what I'm trying to say. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to live. 

        * The song on the side describes my thoughts when I get depressed.