Hidden Letters

Diary (letter 69)

Dear Diary,

        Since when did become so fragile?  

        Since when was I so afraid of the dark?

        What's happening to me!?

        When was I afraid to be alone?

        Why am I suddenly so overwhelmed?         

        Why am I so stressed out!?        

        Why  is life difficult to live!?

        I still act like a kid. I'm not ready for the stresses adult life. Time went so fast! and I'm scared! I'm not afraid to admit that I don't want to grow up. I remember learning how to tie my shoe like it was yesterday....

        Now a days I'm stressing over my family. My parents work all day..it pains me to see them suffer. They try to mask it and pretend they're okay, but I see it their eyes. I see how tired they are..they do so much yet the money isn't enough. I hate to see them suffer! What I hate the most is that they work their ass off yet they don't get paid enough for their hard work, it's barley enough. Maybe that's why I'm so affraid...        

I don't know how to help...I can't get a job cause then who would take care of the kids and the house. My parents don't want to waste more money on a babysitter when I could do that. It breaks my heart when I see their dull eyes..I know their suffering. Even if they are in pain, they still go to work. I don't ask anymore, I know they're only going to lie and say their fine. I miss them..I want them to be happy again...I feel bad for my younger sister who barely gets to see them now. As a child I always had my parents, so did my brothers. We would all go out as family a lot...but those are only memories now. I know my parents feel guilty for not being with her...it's sad watching my sister ask why their almost never home, especially my mother. 

   It's hearbreaking watching my mother reply with teary eyes..that they work a lot so that she can have things that she needs. The worst part is when my sister replies that she only wants them home. She doesn't understand, she is still too young to understand. I see the hurt in my parents eyes as they hold her.        

It's times like this that I feel worthless. That's when I start to feel the tears at the corners of my eyes, the moist in my palms as I start to hold back the pain in my heart. When will life get better? I start to get fidgety and my breathing come out in pants. I'm trying to hold back the urge...

  But as always, the urge takes over...

        My parents don't know that I do this...It started out as something that helped me forget my dark  past, but as time went by I started doing it everytime I felt weak or worthless. I don't want to break my promise, but it's really hard! I try to distract myself so that I don't do it but it doesn't work. I'm in my room listening to music. No ones around to stop me nor see what I'm about to do, just a few marks of the warm sting..that's all I need...to keep calm..just one more time...

BrokenHearted Unseen