Middle School

Entry 7: 9/14/20 and 9/15/20

I hope today is a good day - I really need to get my confidence lifted. Yesterday, Charlotte just said her own variation of "I'll think about it", and it surprised the crap out of me. I don't expect a "yes" from her, honestly. She's probably thinking about how to let me down nice and easy so I wouldn't get hurt. It's gonna suck either way through, even though I see it coming. I know I seem negative, but the only answer I really ever get in life is "no". At this point, I just hate the word. No matter how nice a person could be about saying it, it crushes me when I hear it. Nonetheless, I'm so used to it already. It reminds me of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs - "What we want we know we can't believe; we have all learned to kill dreams." I should stop thinking about her while she's "thinking" about it.

Basketball tryouts are next week for school. I hope I make the team and don't get the "Better luck next time! This doesn't mean you're garbage." Basketball would be a great way to help me stop thinking about Charlotte for when she'll reject me. Like why would she choose me, some annoying screw-up, over Paul, the muscular jock? Even though Paul doesn't like her (at least as far as I know), she obviously would rather be alone with him than with me. The only thing that could piss me off more would be me missing the bu- it was supposed to be here 10 minutes ago. 

School was complete trash today. The day started off with me being 30 minutes late to science. We did an experiment but it was the lamest thing ever. All we did was expose lime-water or whatever it was to carbon dioxide so it could "change color". All that happened is that it became less clear than it was before. It was so boring and I literally couldn't stop thinking about Charlotte. I'm sorry Mr. Wilson, but why can't you do any of the cool chemical reactions, like the one from the video you asked us to watch? Science was so boring, it honestly doesn't even count as part of the day. The real start of my day was art with Regina. She was a little energetic today, while I was completely depleted of energy. I'm sleep deprived and sad - this isn't a good mix. I can see why people drink a lot now. It really sucks being under 21 if you can't legally drink all your problems away. Thank God no one's reading this. Okay, let me get back on track. The period I told Regina that I took her advice on what to do with Charlotte, and told her Charlotte's answer. Regina then proceeded to tell me I needed to be positive and that she thinks Charlotte's actually thinking about it. Regina told me if she says no maybe I can finally get over this obsession. It'll be much harder to get over though. She's just so perfect in my eyes and being with her is like one of my dreams. I'll say it again, I REALLY am a loser. OH yeah I forgot, I'm supposed to kill my dreams. 

Then next was freaking tutorial WHICH CAN SUCK A--. No, really. It was THAT bad. Ava wasn't here today so I didn't have anyone I actually enjoyed in the room. Then this weird guy George WOULDN'T leave me alone. He wasn't a jock but he was one of the retarded potheads who vape and do drugs in the bathroom. He basically spent the whole time bragging to me about his vape and how amazing it is. He also told me about how he could hook me up with weed and crap. He also kept hitting me when I wouldn't answer he would hit the back of my head and see what my response was. If Charlotte had rejected me last night I definitely would've broken this kid's nose. I don't even get what kids like about smoking. Like it smells gross. Alcohol is way be- I mean what. HI MOM!

In Ela, Jamie cheered me up a bit but Mrs. Smith only made today worse because we had to continue this story. Which pissed me off for one reason. IT WAS ALREADY OVER. The Protagonist died how do you want me to continue that. The plot was him being scared of this lady killing him. Then she did. LIKE THATS THE FREAKING ENDING. During lunch, my friends kept asking if I was okay and I just replied with "I'm fine." Telling if I'm in a bad mood is really easy because 60% of the time I'm hyper and energetic. Then I'm either mad or just dead on the inside. PE was next and we were doing soccer again. Paul made me fall with all of his stupid skill and I got mud all over myself. Paul's lucky I'm pathetic. If I wasn't he would be on the floor. The rest of the day was uneventful

Now I'm bored at home contemplating what I should do. I decide to text Charlotte because on a day like this I would talk to her. It just makes me feel better I don't know how. The thing is when I text her she tells me that she needs a day or two to think about my question before she can actually talk. My immediate thought is two or three days to just end up telling me no, amazing. I'm gonna try Callie but she usually doesn't answer, one of the problems of being her friend. Regina is usually busy doing math or doing something productive but despite these facts, I'll try both of them.

Regina answered. We've been talking about music and how she thinks Twenty-One Pilots isn't amazing. Twenty-One Pilots = Happiness. Ironic considering how depressing their songs are. Talking to Regina makes me feel a little better. Not as good as talking to Charlotte but it still doesn't make me feel better.