Middle School

Chapter 13: 3/15/21

It has been almost what, six month? After the worst day ever, today I'm finally gonna try and stop this isolation that I call life (mostly because my parents and friends think that I have depression and are kind of concerned with what's up with me). I can't blame them though- I've barely talked to any of them ever since that day. The first step to moving on will probably be "talking" about my feelings, which I'm really bad at explicitly stating to friends or family so, hello journal. FREAKING JOHN AND CHARLOTTE started dating, and are still dating. He literally met her two months before they started dating and HE had a better chance then me. Actually screw that who am I kidding, anyone alive has a WAY better chance then me when it comes to Charlotte, because I have absolutely nothing to offer. I'm not like all these other guys who are whole freaking units while I have nothing- no skills, talents, or anything whatsoever. I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE STUPID BASKETBALL TEAM. There were THIRTEEN ROSTER SLOTS AND ONLY TWENTY PEOPLE TRIED OUT. I was one of the thirty-five percent of people who didn't make the team. I thought I was somewhat good at basketball but apparently I'm absolute garbage. Most of the people who tried out made it, and that just leaves the seven of us who were just HORRIBLE basketball players. I literally can't play or watch basketball without thinking about checking TWENTY times to see if I made the team. I can't play without thinking about how garbage I am, every missed shot is like repeatedly stabbing my wounded self confidence. Any mistakes I make, makes me feel like even more of a failure. I tried studying the game and improving my dribble moves, my shot, my offensive selection, and my defense; after a month I was almost in tears after every time I practiced or took notes on what I needed to improve on. I couldn't really take this anymore and I tried looking into something else I was good at, but all there was left was math. So I set two goals for myself to make me feel less like a failure. To become better at math than Regina, and skip Algebra II, thus getting into geometry/trigonometry. I knew this wouldn't be easy, since I would have to basically learn Algebra II and more all on my own, but at this point the only feelings I had were pain and anger, which are pretty great motivators. I spent six months persistently and thoroughly studying Algebra II on my own, and I struggled a lot, but every question I got right I felt a little more confident. Anytime I finally learned something that took me weeks, I felt happy. Eventually all I could see was math- it was the only thing I could really think about that would distract me from Charlotte. This was the one thing that didn't make me feel like an utter failure, I actually obtained a skill, and now I'm here done with Algebra II, reviewing it actually, because next month in April I have to take the placement test for Algebra II, then if I do good on that I can take a placement test to get in Geometry/Trigonometry. I studied so much and worked so hard that I actually became way better at math then Jamie and Chloe (no offense to them though), but math was basically my life for five months. I'm really excited to take both of these tests because I know I am going to pass them. There is NO possible way I could fail. So tomorrow at school there will be a new Ralph, still damaged, but not completely broken, and maybe, just maybe, I can actually end this hell we call middle school with some pride.