Book 1: Beyond Me and You

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

'Are you still in love with me?'

The question repeats in my head as Dean and I sit in silence. It feels as if hours have passed by as I wait for a response or at least a reaction.

"What does it matter. You don't care about me and that's how it should be." His voice is firm and his face is emotionless. I can no longer see the pain in his eyes.

"Of course it matters. Dean just because I'm not in love with you doesn't mean I don't love you. You're such an important person in my life. I still care about you"

"Does he make you happy?"

Dean's question catches me off guard. His focus is completely on me.

"Of course"

"Even with everything people say about him?" Dean asks in confusion. He has yet to the know the truth to all of the rumors being spread about Nathan, but it's not my place to tell him.

"I love him Dean. I-"

Dean pushes his chair back as his stands up and I stop to look at him. "I guess I just assumed we would find our way back to each other."

He walks away from me without giving me a chance to respond. I shake my head in his inability to talk it out. I want to move forward but we can't if I'm the only one trying.

Suddenly taken over by anger I get up from the chair and follow him into his room. I close the door behind me and reach to disconnect his phone from its charger.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Dean gets up from his bed and comes to stand in front of me. His height makes me have to look up at his eyes. He's trying to intimidate me but I push my shoulders back and stand up straight.

"You'll get your phone back after we sort everything out." My tone is calm and firm.

"You wanna talk, okay let's talk. Why don't we start on how you didn't even hesitate to break up with me when you found out about your dad and my mom. But some rumors about Nathan being a criminal come up and you don't even think about breaking up with him. You gave up on us without even fighting back and with Nathan you're willing to do whatever it takes to stay with him. It makes me wonder...did you ever even care about me?"

Dean's words leave me speechless while he looks at me awaiting a response. He wasn't wrong about me doing whatever it takes to be with Nathan, but he is wrong in the fact that he's questioning my feelings for him.

"WE" I say as I point at both of us. "Were a completely different situation. I'm sorry I hurt you but my dad's happiness came before mine. And I did care about you. I cared about you so much which is why I walked away because I couldn't give you false hope. I let you go because I wanted you to move on. I wanted you to find someone who could put your happiness first.." My voice begins to waver but I stop myself from letting my emotions take over.

Dean scoffs at my response and goes to sit down on his bed.

"I didn't want to move on. You chose for me and that's messed up. Not only that but you go and fall in love with another guy. It's pathetic how you move on and I'm still here hoping..."

Dean runs his hands through his hair in frustration. I put his phone back down on the table gently.

A lump forms in my throat making it impossible for me to speak. I had no idea how much Dean was hurting and it was all because I didn't let myself see it. I chose to believe that he was better off without me. I chose to believe that I had it worse. But he's been hurting just as much as me, except he's better at hiding it.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.." Tears form in my eyes and my vision goes blurry. I wipe the small tears from my eyes and compose myself once again. "You're right. I shouldn't of made that decision for you but I don't regret falling in love with Nathan. Nathan is who I want to be with. But that doesn't mean what we had wasn't real. I still care for you...I just wish we could be the family our parents want us to be..."

Dean looks up at me with teary eyes. He's hurt. I'm hurting him more and more. He didn't want to talk about it because he knew how it would end.

"Lark-"

"I'm sorry. I just need you to know that. I hope one day we can fix our relationship because I do care about you, more than you can ever imagine."

I walk out of his room and straight down the stairs. While Dean and I were talking I heard the front door open and closes meaning dad and Kayla were home. I walk past them before they can even see me and grab dad's car keys on the way out.

Driving down the road I realize I'm repeating myself once again. I tried to talk to Dean. I forced him to have a conversation he didn't want to have and I ended up running away in the end. Why is it that every time I take a step forward I take two steps back?

I drive for what seems like forever. The sun has already set and I know for a fact I'm no longer in town. I've come to the one place I haven't been to in what seemed like forever. I was scared of coming back because it meant accepting that it was real.

I stand there in silence unsure of what to do or say. This is the last place I thought I would come to but here I am. My heart shatters at the sight of mom's name engraved on her headstone. Right next to it is a delphinium, mom's favorite flower.

"I miss you mom"