things i wish you knew

to the one i fell for

i didn't think it would be you. not in a million years. when we first met, i couldn't stand you. last summer, things changed. you texted me out of the blue one day and asked for the strangest favor i could've thought of. regardless of how weird your request was, i became your "girlfriend" for fifteen minutes so that your ex's friends would leave you alone.

we started talking more consistently after that, and it was strange. not in a bad way, just unexpected. i remember when you came to my volleyball game. i hadn't seen you or your sister in four months. i remember warming up with my team. i looked over in the bleachers and saw you and your sister sitting there. i was so excited and didn't even know why. it makes sense now.

a month and a half later, we were at a party. you were sitting on a couch with some friends, and i was sitting on the floor next to it with my friend and your sister. i leaned my head against the couch where you were sitting. i smiled to myself but stopped myself quickly because i was confused as to why i was so happy to be sitting near you. we all got up to get some food from the other room and i said something about you to your sister. she told me that she thought i was dating you over the summer. i denied it saying that we would never work and that i didn't like you. i knew it was a lie the second i said it.

december 22, 2018. i had a play at my church that i asked you to go to. i didn't expect you to come, but you did. after the play, i ran up to you and your sister and my other friend who came. i hugged the two of them, but when i got to you i didn't know what to do. i wanted to hug you, but i chickened out. i took pictures with my friend and your sister and asked you to take a picture with me. you put your arm around my waist and i can promise you that my smile in that picture is the most genuine smile captured in a picture. later that night, we went out to a diner with a group of friends and stayed until eleven at night. later that week, that same group came over to my house. i think about that night a lot. i was happy. you made me happy.

we didn't see each other again until march 2, 2019. i remember that date off the top of my head. see, i don't have the memory of a goldfish. it was your sister's play and i went with my family. at the beginning of intermission, i texted you and asked where you were because i wanted to say hi to you. you told me you were "right outside the doors." there were three sets of doors, so i told you that i was going to get lost. as i was walking out and texting you, i almost ran straight into you. we talked for the remainder of intermission. you kept teasing me and i could feel myself blushing. after the show, your family came to talk to mine and we walked out together. we were waiting for your sister to change and come say hi, but she was taking a while. you were convinced that you could find her and told me to come with you. you ended up getting us lost, which was ironic, considering our previous conversation. we stood around talking for a few minutes once we finally found your sister. i couldn't stop smiling. you seem to have that effect on me.

we didn't see each other until april 13. we went out with a group of friends to the diner again. we teased each other and i took pictures of you from across the table just to annoy you. we went back to your house for like ten minutes because you needed a ride home and i wanted to meet your dog. even though your dog hated me, i had the best time just standing in your kitchen trying to get your dog to like me.

may 4. the spring dance that you wanted to come to, but couldn't make it. i got home and had a lot of stuff to tell you and we ended up texting until one in the morning. you got somewhat deep and vulnerable with me, which surprised me, but made me happy. the next day was a sunday and we facetimed for like four hours. we talked about our families, school, and relationships. i couldn't stop smiling. i had to go to youth group and something happened that upset me. i don't remember if i texted you or put something on my snapchat story, but you found out that i was upset. i took a shower and my phone started vibrating on the bathroom counter. you called me when you found out i was upset. in the time that we had been close, you hadn't seen me cry, but when you asked me what was wrong, i tried to explain it and started to cry. i was somewhat embarrassed, but i also didn't care if i cried in front of you. it was a strange mix of conflicting emotions, but that was the least of my problems at that point.

june 16. i was facetiming our friend who was playing video games with you and someone else, and you tried to facetime me to get revenge on our friend who hung up on you to talk to me. after calling me about twenty times (no exaggeration), i finally answered and was facetiming both of you. you didn't stop teasing me and taking live photos of me attempting to make a fish face. sometimes i'd catch you looking at me with a smile and wondered if you like me. it seemed like you were flirting with me. you facetimed me until one thirty in the morning, and i was smiling during every second of it.

you make fun of me and tell me that i have the memory of a goldfish and maybe that's true. but i remember this stuff, all of it. i remember the dates, i remember what happened, and i remember it vividly. you are the love that chases all other loves away. there were times that i questioned whether or not i had feelings for someone else. but the thought of dating someone else and letting you go was something i didn't even want to entertain. it makes me seem like a horrible person, but i'd get close to a guy and then once i realized what i was doing, i'd stop talking to them because i still want you. i confused myself because whenever my phone lights up with your name, every thought of everyone else goes away and all i can think about is you. i haven't been able to let myself date anyone this year because part of me still hopes that you'll fall for me. part of me still wants you, even though i've been waiting for almost a year. i don't know how long i'll wait, but as long as you keep talking to me, i'll keep loving you. because it's you. it's been you since last summer, even if it took me until the fall to realize it. you're the one i love, but i'm too scared to tell you because i don't want to lose you.

june 29, 2019