things i wish you knew

to the one who the last part was about

you broke me.
plain and simple, you broke me.
when you left i sat on my floor and sobbed. ragged breaths gasping for air.
i couldn't sleep. i couldn't eat.
it's been two weeks.
you see, there's a gap in my writing that being with you caused. it's almost like a chapter was skipped. because you had the ability to make me feel things that i didn't have words for. and that's miraculous.
but you left.
and now a melancholy haze covers me.
you swore you'd never leave. you promised you would stay.
you had your issues and i understand that.
but i deserve better. i deserve someone who will stay with me, regardless of the things they're going through. i deserve someone who trusts me enough to let me help.
i deserve someone who is willing to stay.
you were my everything. my first thought in the morning, my last thought at night. you were my world. and when you left on a cold and dreary thursday afternoon, it felt like my world ended.
but it didn't.
it's taken me two weeks to be able to write again. to be able to put the nausea and tears and anxiety into words. and those words are
thank you.
thank you for leaving me.
for sparing me the angst cause by your changing moods. for rescuing me from the unpredictability you caused.
thank you for leaving me
because even though it needed to be done, i never would've had the strength to leave you.
thank you for revealing our inevitable failure sooner than later.
that said, you are not a hero. you took the easy way out. and the past two weeks have been miserable.
but in closing the door to us, you opened the door for growth.
so thank you.
thank you for breaking me so i could rebuild into who i'm meant to be.

december 26, 2019