things i wish you knew

to the one i broke

you added my snapchat seventeen days after he left me. 

you were visiting for the first time since you moved. i wondered why you even wanted to meet me since he was your friend, but i guess i just wanted someone to talk to, so i agreed.

the night before we were supposed to meet i was so depressed that i wasn't eating and i didn't want to talk to anyone. but, i got up the next morning at met you and our group of mutual friends at starbucks. i felt truly happy for the third time in seventeen days. 

we went back to a friend's house and played xbox. when it was time to eat, i freaked out a little but because of my issues. everyone kept making jokes about it, which i didn't care about. the one thing that bothered me was that you might think i'm a total screw up. i had to leave and for some reason i felt sad to be walking away from you but had no idea why. i pinned it on being sad and lonely. 

we talked everyday for two months after that. we shared music, played xbox together, and i began to feel again. part of me knew that i was still recovering from my last relationship, but part of me wondered if i really began to fall for you. 

i thought i did. i told you that i did. i believed i did. but i didn't. and i'm so sorry. 

you had been hurt before, you had terrible relationship experiences and i didn't want to add to it. but four months later, we barely speak because i can't face you and what i did. i did the same thing to you that he did to me - i woke up one day and decided that i just couldn't anymore. 

i didn't want to hurt you, i didn't mean to break your heart. i didn't mean for things to end this way. i'm so sorry. 

i understand that words won't be able to take away the sting of my actions, that no matter what i say, it won't help. 

i want you to know that i am who i am today because of you. your friendship was genuine, you made me feel loved and i never doubted that you cared about me. you did everything right. 

thank you for being there for me, for letting me cry to you over facetime, for showing me that it was possible to be happy without him. thank you for who you were to me. i'm so sorry. 

february 28 - august 9, 2020