things i wish you knew

to the one i thought i thought i fell for

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i let my own confusion hurt you.

it's harsh, but i want you to know that i didn't love you - i was lonely. the truth is, i've had feelings for someone since september, but he doesn't feel the same way about me. something like that can get old after a while, and, in an attempt to move on, i convinced myself that i had feelings for you.

i led you on, just so i would feel good about myself. i played hard to get, and almost let you win because i wanted to feel loved. i didn't love you, though. i thought i did, i really did. but i realized that i just wanted attention. i was scared to give up the feelings i've had for a year for someone else. you wouldn't want me if you knew how frequently i think of him. the second that he came back into my life, the choice had already been made. it was never you, it was always him.

i didn't know how to stop myself. i genuinely thought that i had feelings for you. i flirted with you, i stayed up late to text you, i told my friends about you. i think a part of me deep down knew that i was trying to fill a hole that can only be filled by him.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i let my loneliness and desperation hurt you. i'm sorry that i struggled with you moving on, even though it was the best decision for the both of us. i'm sorry that my replies began to get shorter and shorter as my friendship with him began to develop. i'm sorry that i was so confused.

i'm sorry that there are multiple people who could read this and think that this is about them. the truth is that there are multiple people who could rightfully be the recipient of this letter.

i'm sorry that i hurt you because i didn't know how to handle my own feelings. i'm sorry that you'll always be a second choice.

i'm sorry.

june 22, 2019