Golden Days // The Outsiders

Chapter Five:

I woke sprawled out across mine and Soda's bed.
I opened my eyes, but still felt half asleep. Maybe more than half.
I heard a repeated knock on the bedroom door.
What was that knocking? Am I going crazy?

"Pony. Pony, I know you're awake. We really need to talk about what happened earlier," it was Darry.
But what does he mean by 'earlier?' How long ago was that?
I turned my head to look at the alarm clock on the nightstand on my side of the bed. It was 1:28am. I ran in here around 8 or so.

Darry walked into the room and sat down on the bed beside where I was laying.

"Pony, I'm serious," he said sternly.
I looked up at him and shifted lightly. "Oh, I know you are. But, believe it or not, there's nothing to talk about," I said as I laid my head back down on the bed and faced the other way.
"There's obviously something really wrong here," Darry said.
I chuckled sarcastically at that.
"Why can't you just realize that everything's okay?" He asked.
I sat up, quickly.
"Everything's okay? What the hell is your definition of 'okay'?" I asked, annoyed.
Darry rolled his eyes. "Ponyboy, what's happened to you?" He asked, looking me straight in the eyes.
What has happened to me?
"You're eventually gonna lose everybody you've got if you don't get your life together, and get it together now," Darry semi-shouted.
Soda started to walk in the room, smiling for once.
He stopped, as his smile slowly faded. Oh, how I missed that goofy smile.

Darry opened his mouth to yell at me again, until he looked at the door and realized that Soda was standing there.
He stopped himself, because we both know not to argue around Sodapop.
"Hey, Soda" Darry said, quietly.
"Hey.." Soda said very quietly.

I looked at Darry, then at Soda. I just wanted to scream at Darry, but not in front of Soda. Plus, Darry was right. I really hate to admit it, but it's true. I couldn't quite understand it at the time, but there was something wrong. I've lost myself. I'm just a version of Ponyboy Curtis that I resent more than anything.

Soda sighed, "You know you guys don't have to just stop talking, or even arguing, every time I walk into a room," he said tiredly.
An actual complete sentence from Soda. First time I've heard one of those from him in months.

Darry and I remained silent.
Soda sighed again, then sat down on the bed beside Darry.
"Seriously, what were you guys talking about? You can be honest with me, it's okay," Soda said.
Darry looked at me and then at Soda.
"Well, we were just talking about how Pony needs to get his life together," Darry said calmly.
I chuckled sarcastically. "Talking? You call that talking? You were scolding me about something that you think you have all the answers to, but you don't! You don't know nothing about me, and nothing you say is going to change a damn thing!" I yelled as I jumped up and started to run out of the room.
"Ponyboy!" Darry yelled.
I kept running.
"Pony, come back. Please, let's just talk." Soda said quietly, but loud enough for me to know I should probably definitely come in there.
I stopped.
I wanted to run away from this argument, but I couldn't. Not when Sodapop wanted me to come back.

I turned around and slowly walked back into our room. I stood beside the door.
Darry and Soda both looked at me.
"There's nothing to talk about." I said, quietly. Followed by tears I felt forming in my eyes . . . I held them back with a swallow.
Soda looked me in the eyes. "Pony, Darry's right," Soda said.
I rolled my eyes.
"I know that's the last thing you wanna hear, but it's true." Soda said sympathetically.
"Why are you even trying to say all this to me? You ain't talked to no one in the past, what, like six months? Your girlfriend cheated on you and moved away, so you completely shut down. You have no right to say all this to me!" I yelled. I don't know if I've ever said anything like that to Soda before.
Soda looked at me like I'd slapped him right across the face.
"Pony, don't start! You can't just turn this around on Soda!" Darry yelled.
I laughed, sarcasm clear in my voice. "Turn this around on Soda? Are you serious? I ain't turning nothing around on no one! I'm sick and tired of everything always being about me, and everyone's always worried about me. Is anyone ever worried about Soda? Hell no! It's always all about me and I'm sick of it!" I yelled.
I fell to the floor onto my knees with my hands covering my face.
I sighed loudly, filled with grief.
It became dead silent. I've never heard silence quite this loud. It's the type of silence that's so dead, you feel like you can hear deafening screams of terror. It's simply horrifying, but no one knows what to say to break the silence.

I lifted my head from my hands, tears streaming down my face.
Soda and Darry both looked at me, so I quickly wiped away my tears.
Darry sighed. He sounded like he wanted to say something, but he seemed afraid to.
What could Darry possibly be afraid of?
Then I thought about it.
Darry Curtis. I always thought he wasn't afraid of anything at all.
But I think, then, he was.
Then I realized . . . What if he's afraid of us? What we might do? I ran away once, and he knew damn well I'd do it again. Of course I was quite apprehensive of running away again, looking back at what happened the last time.
What if Soda left? Never came back? Honestly, I don't know how I'd live without him in my life. Maybe that's how Darry feels. I just always assumed that Darry would be happy without us dragging him down.
Or at least without me.

Soda broke the silence, "Pony, I know y- you really don't want to talk to anyone about this, but you need to. You really do. You miss Johnny. Hell, you probably miss Dally too. But . . . they're gone. I know it's hard to accept, but you have to."
I sighed. "I . . I know. I just- it just sucks so much. It's been six months, but it still hurts like hell. Does it ever go away? Does the pain ever just stop?"
I wasn't very sure who I was asking.
Soda? Darry? Me? Maybe no one at all.
"It will stop. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. Soda said carefully.