Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Chapter Ten - Bigger Than My Body

There had been a clear mood shift between Jaxon and I. We were waiting for the bill in complete silence and I couldn't deny that it was because of my outburst about the party. In classic Blake fashion, I was overcomplicating everything.

My past always came back to bite me in the ass, even when I try my hardest to forget about it. As I sat there, I began to weigh out the pros and cons of relaying to Jaxon the details of one of the hardest things I encountered in my teenage life but I come up empty-handed.

Jaxon was probably the most levelheaded and understanding person I had ever confided in about myself. Hell, I hadn't even told Layla or Ace about my upbringing at all. But with Jaxon, it had been almost easy. Comfortable.

But it all came back to one thing: fear. I was truly scared to tell him about this piece of myself because it had been the biggest downfall of my high school life and the worst part? Not a single person had my back when it happened. I was ostracized and eventually forced to switch schools in the middle of my junior year. And all because of a stupid party.

If Jaxon reacted even remotely like the people I had gone to school with I don't know what I would do.

I look up to find Jaxon on his phone, seemingly typing out a text to someone. I take a deep breath and begin to speak, placing my hands on my knees to steady myself, "Something bad happened to me. At a party," I say, and Jaxon's head immediately snaps up at my words.

He places his cellphone facedown on the table, giving me his undivided attention. His voice is soft as he speaks, "What happened? I mean... if you wanna talk about it, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to decide where to start.

"It was my junior year. I had been going to this school since the beginning of sophomore year but I still hadn't made very many friends," I give a small sigh, "Not always the easiest thing when you're the new girl at a high school where people have been going to school together since kindergarten." He nods his head at me in understanding.

"I decided to go to this party over Christmas break. It was all anyone had been talking about at school before the break started. People were building this shit up like it was taking place at Jay Gatsby's mansion. It was at this guy Seth's house. Seth Mcguire." I start to pick at my cuticles, struggling to continue on with the story.

Jaxon clears his throat, "Did he... do something to you?"

I whip my head up towards him, looking away from my hands, "No! I mean, not in the way that you're probably thinking," I take another shaky breath, "That night I got so drunk, Jaxon, like the drunkest I've ever been. I don't know what came over me, I guess I just wanted to fit in for once? My whole life I grew up as this girl, always on the outside, always observing everybody else. I was never the one actually doing anything. I just wanted to be like everyone else for once I guess," I say to him, "And look where that got me," I continue, mostly to myself.

"Anyways, I was a complete mess that night. And... somehow," I take a big breath in, "somehow, I ended up getting so trashed that I literally stripped down to my underwear in the middle of the living room and started hooking up with Seth right there... in front of everyone," I pause.

Jaxon speaks up, "People make mistakes Blake, you don't have to be ashamed of that-"

I cut him off, "No, but that's not even the worst of it. People recorded us, Jaxon. It got around school so fast and everyone saw that video but the worst part? I don't even remember starring in it," my voice starts to falter, "When I came back to school for the new semester my life was absolute hell. People calling me a slut left and right, people I didn't even know! And did anyone say anything about my male costar? Nope! Not a single word."