Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Chapter Eleven - Heartbreak Warfare

My eyes are still glued on Hudson when Jaxon grabs onto my hand from behind and pulls me into the kitchen with him. My breaths are coming in heavier than usual, my brain foggy with disbelief. Hudson was gay. And I was an idiot. 

I finally look up at Jaxon after a few moments pass of us standing in the kitchen in silence, his eyes reading mine for how he should react to this shocking revelation. I decide to make it easier on him.

"I'm so stupid," I say, putting my head in my hands.

"You're not stupid, Blake," he tells me carefully, "How could you have possibly known that Hudson's into guys?"

"I don't know, a single inkling of common sense maybe? Ugh, this is so embarrassing," I tell him, "I don't know what I was thinking," I almost whisper the last part.

I felt defeated. Not only was Hudson not into me the way I thought he was but he definitely wasn't Ace either. I wanted to cry. Just when I think things are starting to go good for me they crash and burn to the ground as per usual. I guess I was just an unlucky person, destined to be constantly disappointed by the shitty cards I'm dealt by life, hand, and hand again.

"I knew coming out tonight was a bad idea," I tell Jaxon.

Jaxon takes a step closer to me and places a hand on my arm in an attempt to comfort me. He was always so touchy with me when he could tell I was upset and I wasn't yet used to his constant attempts at human contact. It was all so foreign to me, but it was nice.

"Hey," he interjects,  "You can't let this ruin our big night out, okay? I promised you we would have fun tonight and that's what we're gonna do!"

I take a deep breath in, trying so hard not to let this affect me more than it needed to. At least, not for the night, "Okay," I say to him.

But then my mouth betrays me as I let out another sentence, "We should get drunk tonight," I say, fully confident in my words.

Jaxon squints his eyes at me, shocked by my request, "And why would we do that?" he asks me.

"I don't know, for fun? I haven't had alcohol for two years and right now seems like a pretty good time to break that string of abstinence, doesn't it?" I nod my head as I say the words, trying to convince not just him, but myself as well. This was a good idea, right?

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea, Blake," he starts, searching for more words to try and convince me that I'm crazy. But my mind is already made up.

I widen my eyes as I speak, trying so hard to plead with him, "You told me you wouldn't let anything bad happen to me, Jaxon. C'mon, let's just have fun tonight," I say.

He looks unsure, but I continue to beg with my eyes until he says, "Yeah, okay, fine," he sighs but then gives me a small smile, "But you're not leaving my side once you start drinking."

"I believe you mean once we start drinking," I give him my best smile and make my way over to one of the big counters in the kitchen, ready to pick my poison.

"What am I doing?" I hear Jaxon whisper behind me, words that I don't think were intended for my ears to hear. So I just continue towards the counter filled with alcohol.

Two hours and four beers each later, I was feeling pretty inebriated. Jaxon had probably had more to drink than me but I stopped counting his beers as the night went on. But his face was flushed the cutest color of pink, almost as though someone had pinched his cheeks or he had spent relentless hours outside in the harsh snow. He was definitely up there with me on his blood alcohol levels.

My body had almost forgotten the floaty feeling of being drunk. My limbs felt relaxed and jiggly. I almost feel like I could do anything at this moment and it won't even matter tomorrow. The feeling of being invincible.