Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Chapter Thirteen - I Guess I Just Feel Like

The next couple of days drag by, Monday classes and work smacking me in the face. By the time Monday night rolls around I'm laying in bed with headphones in listening to John Mayer when Jaxon comes barreling into my room.

He takes a seat at my desk, throwing his feet up onto the side of my bed, waiting for me to take out my earbuds.

"Hey," I greet him, setting my phone off to the side.

I had briefly seen Jaxon last night but he didn't say much to me while he passed through the apartment, mumbling something about going to hang with Aidan. I was still confused about Saturday morning but I didn't want to be insensitive by bringing it up to him.

"What are you doing in here?" Jaxon asks, raising his brows at me, "Bach starts in ten!"

I sigh, sitting up in my bed, "I don't know if I'm feeling it tonight," I tell him honestly.

Ever since Saturday night when Ace had finally told me about his girl crush, I had been in a funk. I couldn't help it that I was upset. I had thought that seeing Hudson at the party with someone else was a blow to my system but this topped that by a million. This is why I was incapable of getting close to people. Because when its all over I have no idea how to move on. My coping mechanisms? They suck.

When my father passed away when I was eight, I looked to my mother for guidance but her coping tools consisted of copious amounts of drugs and ignoring her responsibilities aka me. I got by by secluding myself and staying out of her way. I thought that if she had one less thing to deal with than maybe she would get better. Back to being my sweet, free-spirited mother. I had been wrong.

Then when I lost her too I had no one. So I just went back to being invisible for a while. When I got my first placement in a group home, I didn't talk to anyone for two months, not even my foster parents. I would sit in my shared bedroom every day and listen to music until it was time to go to sleep. I barely even ate, only getting up when I had school.

Loss was such a constant in my life that you would think I'd be a pro by now. But all I've learned is how to shut out other people in the process, creating a clean path to solitude.

But something told me that that wouldn't be possible when it came to Jaxon.

I had never met anyone quite like him if I was being honest. He was so eager to know me for who I truly was, and he never judged me about my past. I wasn't used to that. Even the boys I used to fool around with in high school always had some comment to say to their friends about 'bagging the foster girl'. It sounded stupid but most high school guys were.

I had put up with it back then because any male attention had excited me. I was never given attention by parents at home or even friends so when boys started noticing me when I was around 15, naturally, I was curious.

Guys had treated me like shit. Girls too if I was being honest. Jaxon was nothing like the people I grew up with and I couldn't help but wonder if it had anything to do with what Makenzie had been saying to me over these last few weeks.

Previous conversations with her echo through my skull.

Have you ever considered that maybe Jaxon... likes you? As in like, more than a friend?

You're telling me that you don't see how Jaxon looks at you or how protective he is of you? I mean, I can see it and I don't even see you two alone together.

I know Layla and Makenzie always tell me I'm way too hard on myself but I just had trouble picturing a world in which perfect boys like Jaxon Reid were interested in girls like me. Especially when there were girls like Shauna Westbrook flaunting their cute-selves around campus. Simple girls. And I was the furthest thing from simple.