Sorry this took so long, my dad beat me at Gin Rummy (again) and I'm moping, because now I feel pretty shitty.
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Okay Jared, let me warn you specifically. Do not freak out. This song is really good, but also kinda fucked up, and I already know you're gonna start exploding. So politely just zip it. That is all.
"Um, ok."
I mean it.
"I know, I get it. Now get on with it."
I'm sure it was nothing
But you never used to bring somebody else along
"THAT SLYTHERIN CHEAT!!"
JARED, WHAT DID I SAY?!
"I know, but what the fricking frack? Who would cheat on this poor baby?"
"Jared just hush it, some of us are trying to listen." responded Zoe.
Used to be our thing
Going to a movie, then we wander home
"Date sequence initiated. Time for the montage." said Evan.
All these little landmines
All these little things that one can read two ways
Like when you take every call outside
"Hmm, now why would he need to do that?" said Larry.
Everyone face palmed. It was hella obvious what this was about.
"Honey," said Cynthia," Just shut up."
Seems that I've forgotten how to read your face
But I know you too well to get it wrong
"TREEBROS."
"The hell is treebos, Zo."
"You and Evan's ship."
"Nah, it should be more like, High Anxiety."
"That's funny Jared, but I still like mine better."
"We'll discuss this later."
"NO YOU WON'T! S-STOP SHIPPING US!!!"
If you have to hurt me, hurt me once
If you have to end it, get it done
"Ugh, I hate cheaters." Connor said.
"Cough Cough," Jared said loud and obnoxiously.
"What, you got some shit to say Kleinman?"
"Oh no, just frog in my throat."
Yeah sure Jared let's go with that.
You have all these choices, I have none
"How dare you betray the bab, I will sue you!" Heidi said shaking her fist.
"Mom, you can't sue a song."
"I'll find a way."
You're all that I have to lose
Couldn't hurt you if I wanted to
I've decided on you
"How could you, you monster!" Jared yelled at the unspecified lover.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOUR TO KEEP YOUR SHIT TOGETHER JARED!
If you keep it going
Then one by one, the memories will start to blur
"Oh analogies, this boy is intelligent." said Alana
You'll ruin the good ones
But I guess my photo album's none of your concern
"Preach."
Jared I thought I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
"Oh salty. You mad your daddy beat you again?" said Jared.
Narrator flips hypothetical table.
"Okay, point taken, I'll be quiet."
Don't humor me with kindness
There's nothing kind about a hundred small betrayals
If you love me at all, you'll kill it now
"I don't know about you, but this is reminding me of the coffee spot speech from that movie, Hidden Figures." Zoe said.
"Zo, you watched that film? I love you even more now!" Alana screamed.
"Hush up, lovebirds." Connor seethed.
If you have to hurt me, hurt me once
If you have to end it, get it done
You have all these choices, I have none
"Back to the chorus with some hearty runs." claimed Heidi.
"Yep, respect." said Cynthia.
"When were ya'll born the seventies?" asked Jared.
"Uhhm.." Heidi was about to speak before Larry cut her off.
"Shut it you millennial."
Wow Jared are you just out to piss off everyone today?
You're all that I have to lose
Couldn't hurt you if I wanted to
I decided on you, I've decided on you
"Move on Ben, let me love you." said Jared.
"GROSS!" said everyone else.
Ditto.
And if I'm disappointed
It's 'cause you're not the person I knew
If I had it my way, I'd be kinder than you
"When the truth hits you like a freight train."
"Same, Zoe." replied Evan. "Same."
I'm sure I'll forgive you, and soon
I'm ashamed but I'm proud of it, too
I decided on you
We're done. That's all I have to say. We'll have another song later, but right now I need a minute to like, cry. It was just a card game, but even so, I'm still pretty upset.
"I can relate." Connor said
"We'll just wait, for the next one."
Thank you.
