The Good Girl Plays the PLAYER

Chapter 21

"I saw my mother!" He said and the pain in his voice is evident, while it echoed through my mind, my original anger rapidly fading away to be replaced by compassion. I want to turn around on this dark empty street to face him, run to him even and hug him, but I don't and I can't. I am frozen in place by this sudden revelation and confused as to how to handle it. I understand that he must have felt shocked to see this woman after so many years and her sudden reappearance must have caused him serious pain and anger. I don't think I will ever comprehend how she could have abandoned her own child, this boy who is so broken and alone and has no one to rely on.

He had me though, and he chose to run away instead of leaning on me for support. What do I do?Still giving him my back I ask him what's been playing on my mind: "Why didn't you come to me? Where did you go? Do you have any idea how worried I was? Do you even care?" I say all this while fisting my top as the memory stabs me through my heart.

His silence is unbearable, the night air is getting colder as autumn is soon approaching, so I wrap my bare arms around myself, rubbing them up and down, trying to warm myself up but also I do this because I feel alone, rejected and hurt by his lack of response. After what must have been at least five long agonising minutes, I hear his footsteps slowly approaching me, his arms slowly and carefully wrapping around my stomach in a hug, but I flinch at the contact. Did this surprise me? Was my body rejecting him? Or maybe I was afraid of being swayed by his current gentle behaviour. He places his head over my shoulder and whispers, "I'm sorry" The gentle sound of his voice sends shivers all over my upper body, pleasurable shivers, but I know I shouldn't let them get to me, I shouldn't allow his touch to minimise what's happened, so I loosen his arms from around me and remove my self from his grip to turn and face him. I looked into his eyes; those sad glossed over eyes and answer him. "I don't want your apology, I want an answers to my questions! I get that you were shocked to see your mother after so many years, I do, but what I don't get is why you didn't come to me? Why you couldn't lean on me in your moment of need. Did you not trust me to be there for you?"

"Of course I trust you, it's just that I'm not used to having people care or worry about me. I wasn't thinking straight, seeing her just brought back so many memories and not good ones and I couldn't handle it so I took off. I needed time to think, to vent, to calm myself down, so I went to a friends house" The moment he mentioned 'Friends House', he started to pace up and down in front of me, running his fingers through his hair and the expression he is currently wearing is it guilt? I can feel the anxiety build and I know I shouldn't ask the next question, because I have a feeling it may be something that I don't want to hear, but I do anyway. "What kind of friend?"  I ask and I think I already know the answer, call it a woman's instinct, a sixth sense or what not. When our eyes lock, I notice that the look in his eyes is of guilt and fear. "What kind of friend Liam!" I ask again louder, more forcefully and I can feel my tears on the verge of spilling over. Immediately he cast his eyes down not having the courage to face me and that's when I instinctively know what he's done and why he's looking at me this way. "It's a special kind of friend isn't it? One with benefits, right?"  When he nods, confirming all my fears, my heart constricts in pain, an unbearable pain, my breathing becomes erratic, every breath becomes harder to take, my chest contracting, closing in on it's self as my world comes crashing down on me. I don't think I've ever experienced pain like this, not once in my entire life, not ever and I don't want to experience it ever again. My eyes are stinging, warm fresh tears are streaming down my cheeks and as my brain processes the information, everything starts to make sense, like pieces of a puzzle finally joining together, giving me a fuller picture.

That's why he avoided me all week, he felt guilty because he slept with someone, betraying my trust. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he does this with every girl on a regular basis, but I am a little, I thought naively that things with us were different. I shouldn't cry, I shouldn't be this hurt; after all, we've been together only a week and yet here I am feeling absolutely crushed. The impact he's had on me is overwhelming, perhaps even unhealthy and I should get away from him. Yes, that's it! I need space, I need breathing space, I need us to stay away from each other and move on. I try to push my pain aside, rationalise the situation I find myself in and try my hardest to not be angry despite what he has done. The puzzle that is Liam is starting to make sense to me, in fact when you take into consideration his history this behaviour is no surprise. I turn on my heels, starting to walk away, wanting to leave, not wanting to deal with the situation while our emotions are still raw, because I know that if I do and voice out my thoughts, say it wrong, it could turn ugly real quick.