Tainted heart!

Hope

Despite of our Long distance relationship we never really had a problem. There wasn't a single time where i questioned his loyalty. Yes, there were times where we had some communication gap but it never seemed to have an affect on our relationship.  But then comes a turning point.

I had my own insecurities; not the kind of insecurities where you would have to worry about your loved ones to cheat upon you or whatsoever but the one you feel because of yourself. I couldn't help the feeling of inadequacy i felt. Everyone must have gone with the trend of "Sayat" and so did he. Our relationship was public in my account so those who followed me knew about us. One day i get a message from an unknown girl saying " He doesn't deserve you" and there was screenshot. This is what was going to turn my whole world upside down. That girl had asked him about his blogs, his current relationship and how he moved past his first heartbreak.

The reply shook me to my core. He replied to her saying that he was still struggling to move on and that he wasn't taken. I....I just can't put in words how it felt. If he was still struggling then what am I to him? What is our relationship to him? A fucking distraction? Weren't those 1 year and 5 months with me enough for him to realize that he still hadn't moved on. Were all those I love you's an insulated wall of chaos? So many questions and only one person could answer it.

Irony was the one who said it, didn't had a valid reason to explain himself. Sometimes knowing someone too much can be beastly. He knew my love for him will eventually make a way towards him. He had the satisfaction that i will forgive him even without him trying. Well, things wont go in his favor.

We didn't talk for 2weeks, the hardest 14 days of my life and the only reason was because i didn't text him. Words aren't enough how miserable i was, he didn't even try to defend himself. Was it that easy for him? Did i never meant anything? What about the late night talks about our future? Were all those fake? After a month, we finally talk and that's on my Birthday. Oh wait! don't be mistaken. It was just a message from him wishing me "THE HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY" around evening after he saw post from my friends. Would he even know it was my birthday if he didn't see anything? I will never know answer to this. I must have mentioned how birthday used to excite me, well not anymore. I couldn't handle the oblivion treatment. I called him and guess what he was busy enough not to receive it. As pathetic as it sounds, it was true.

It was almost 20 days since my birthday and there wasn't any clue of him. He would be online but nothing from his side. I stopped texting because i couldn't handle any more ignorance. Despite having no fault i was the one texting and begging for him to reply. One day my first instinct was to call him but his number was switched off so i went for the other option. I text him again for the 1000th time after the incident and to my very great surprise i get a reply. I finally got a reply from my "Boyfriend" saying it's been 3 days since he is in town.

What if i never messaged him? I would never know his whereabouts. I was at a point in my life where i knew i didn't deserve this pain; the pain of silence and ignorance, I didn't deserve this treatment and above all I knew i didn't deserve to be a damn option yet i was holding on. HOPE was something that kept me going despite off all his bullshits; HOPE that we can get over this mess but I realized you can't keep on holding something which is drifting apart. And that was the point I gave up on us.

2 months gone by since my long shitty message for breaking things up being unanswered. "Maybe he didn't wanted to end things between us" my conscience kept on assuring me but i knew it wasn't that way because if he wanted so then he could have stopped me from going away but his silence said it all. Heck, he shouldn't even had to stop me, i wasn't going anywhere. I was standing on the same place waiting for his clarification.

It was better to be with nothing than to half it halfway. One day his phone is going to go off and he'll wish it was my name across the screen. One day he'll hear songs he used to like until he think of me when he hear them. Then he'll find himself changing the station on the radio. One day I swear he'll miss me and when that day comes I'll be gone. Until then "He was a song i heard once in fragments and i am singing it all my life."

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It's been 1 year since it happened and the scars are still so fresh. I just hope no one gets treated this way. It wasn't supposed to break your trust from LDR but it's my experience. I have seen people in LDR getting married and spending their lives together but i wasn't lucky enough to have that. Do vote!

Xoxo💋