My Life: Its Ok, I Guess.

...Kept Almost Dying

"...Kept Almost Dying"

As you fine upstanding citizens have probably figured by now, I get myself in some pretty fucked up (albeit hilarious) situations.

My newest offering, is about the 3 times I almost died.

You may wanna strap yourselves in, guys.

Its gonna be a long one...

I'll start with the first:

2008;

A year to remember, that I'd love to forget.

In south lousiana (born and raised, in the swampland is where I spent most of my days! Take that, Will smith!)

We have a bad history of hurricanes and flooding. We had a collection of hurricanes coming our way, and were forced to evacuate. At this time, my life was pretty sweet;

I had my own home, an amazing girl, lived extremely comfortable with not many worries! And as you cheeky fuckers have probably guessed, my life only follows one law, unfortunately its Murphy's.

My mother decided to drive, and we got all the way to the nearest evacuation point that would accommodate our needs (we had 15 people to evacuate with us), and that place was *drum roll*

The "Lovely" land of Tunica, Mississippi!!!

*even the fucking crickets left!*

Its known as one of the birthplaces of the blues, and after spending almost 3 weeks there, I can definitely see why: its fucking mind-numbingly boring.

It's on the border of Memphis, and anybody who has been there, probably didn't come back.

Anyhoozle, we got word from the local weather forecast that the area right next to where we lived was completely flooded about 7 feet. It doesn't sound like much, but I can assure you, fine folk:

It's a lot.

They had live video, and it was baaaaaaad.
It was weird because they kept showing the same information over and over, but it wasnt actually consistent to the actual events. The flooding didn't just happen, it occured over a span of days, but the report said a levee broke and overtook the neighborhood blah blah...

Fuckin' media, get your shit straight!

Welp, as luck would have it, an update happened. It said, that Ashland North (my area) was now wind damaged and flooded 4 feet, and was expected to keep rising.

my home was 3 feet up (lived in a trailer)

I just went blank. Everything I struggled for, just gone, right?

Well of course, with everyone evacuated, no one could check. So the weather program was all we had.

I had a bit of a reaction, to say the least.

My brother drives to the liquor store, gets two bottles of jagermeister, a case of lemon Pepsi (wtf?), and a shit load of Krystal Burgers. We were staying in a hotel,   so we each had our own rooms. He said he had to go to his room for a bit, but he'd be back. Well I figured I'd just take a few shots, and my ex, Laney, decided to take some with me. At about 3 shots, we got a little emotional, as one would expect, and then we just started pounding shots. We cleared a bottle and a half within an hour. I drank until I vomited it right back up, and it was....a lot. I black out, come to, and I am stark naked on the toilet with my twig and berries exposed to the world, and I have a fuckin Krystal burger on my lap. Like wtf was I doing exactly? I looked to my left when I heard a strange noise, it sounded like someone gargling mouthwash. But it was laney. Face down, ass up nearly drowning in her own vomit. I get my naked ass up, dong a-swingin', pick her deadweight ass up and out of the tub and into the bed. I probably dropped her...once or 4 times...
And i wound up passed out on the couch bed.