The Space Between Us

Chapter 10

People will say that you took the easy way out.

                                *******

"W-why?" She drops the plate in her hand and it clutters on the counter.

"Because." I say.

She looks at me expectantly. I don't know how to explain this to her.

"Because what, Jake? Spit it." Her voice begins to rise a little.

"Because i'm not a good person." I say in a quiet voice relative to her outburst.

Her eyebrows furrow. "No, you are. Who said you aren't?"

"No one. It's just i'm no good for you. It will be too much for you sometime and i'm not waiting for that to happen. I will be heartbroken."

"I guarantee you, that i'm in for whatever it is."

I close my eyes. "Please, this is already hard for me, don't make it harder."

"Stop pushing me away. Stop pushing everyone away. Why can't you just accept that i want to be there for you? To support you?"

I pull at my hair. "Well, you shouldn't!"

"You're impossible."

"Please, go." I beg her. My heart is already in pieces.

She runs out of the kitchen and upstairs. She comes down a few minutes later in her clothes. She storms out of the house and slams the door behind her without a word.

                                 ~~~~~~
I'm a bad decision maker.

You could tell, right?

As much as Sydney being far away from me is a good thing, it's hurting too much. It hasn't been a full day and I'm already missing her bubbly self.

But this is the right thing.

Am i being too selfish?

I guess so.

But, in my defense, i'm trying to save her from myself. There's darkness inside that she should never encounter. And if she does, she will leave, which will leave me heartbroken.

It's win-win for both of us.

The sound of rain and thunder clashes outside and startles me out of my thoughts.

I look at the clock, it's 6 pm.  I go to my room and pick up the large notebook where i've written all the poems i need for my book.

Now is the perfect time to write my feelings down.

                                  ~~~~~
My heart is empty,
Void of love and feelings.
Am i supposed to feel that way?
• • •
I love talking to you,
Even though you both are not there anymore.
• • •
Don't get too close,
It's like hell broke loose on the inside.
                                     • • •
She was a dream that never came true, she was a star far from home,
you know, sometimes it's hard to admit that she isn't just for me.
                                     • • •
Losing her is a constant nightmare that i never wake up from.
                                     • • •
I'm sorry i'm so weak,
I couldn't handle someone else leaving me.
                                     • • •
When i started to feel like she was nearing her end,
I felt like i was nearing mine too.
It was the end of every good thing in my life.

~~~~~~

My headache comes at full force around 12 pm. I guess that's the result of sitting in bed, writing and drinking two cups of coffee on empty stomach.

I rub my temples. The paper in front of me becomes blurry.

And the cycle goes on.

Will it ever be over for me? Because i'm sure as hell can't take anymore. The heartache is too much to bear.

Maybe it will be over. Somehow. It will get better. It has to.

Because otherwise, i'm not gonna survive this.

I go to the bathroom and take a shower. I change into comfortable clothes and head for bed.

Something my mom used to crosses my mind.

She prayed.

I'm not exactly a religious person, but maybe it's time to do something about that.

I stand up and clasp my hands in front of me like my mom used to do.

And i tell God everything.

I tell him about the day my mom told me she was sick. I tell him about the day i lost her. I tell him about having no friends through high school, about the funeral that only a few people came to.

I tell him about Sydney. About her beautiful face and her bubble personality. I tell him about yesterday when she took care of me.

And i also tell him about me pushing her away, and i could see God now, shaking his head while looking down at me from up above. But i know deep down it's for the best.

By the end of it, i'm crying uncontrollably. I fall to my knees and ask God to guide me through this because i can't. I won't survive alone.

But a small voice inside me is whispering in her sweet, gentle voice, saying that she will always watch out for me.

                                *********

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
-Dylan thomas.