Once in a Lifetime

The Aftermath

After the lovely dinner Jimmy treated me to, we walked around the city, hand in hand. It was a beautiful night and I knew I was deeply and madly in love with my Prince Charming in a suit and tie. We stayed out well past midnight, lost in each other and our surroundings.

Before long, my shoes started to bother my feet, so we headed back to the apartment. Once Jimmy unlocked the door, I kicked the heels off, heading straight for my room to change into my pjs. I plugged my phone in, since it only had like two percent left battery-wise.

I hung my dress up and headed to the nightstand. I kept hearing my phone ding with notifications while I was changing, so I knew something was up.

I saw that most of the notifications were coming from my Twitter account. Which wasn't that unusual because I usually live tweet during the show and my phone blows up from 11:35pm to 12:35am. What I wasn't prepared for was the sheer number of tweets coming in about my appearance on the show.

A lot of the FalPals were congratulating me on "snagging" Jimmy and well wishes for my recovery and hopes I would continue to live tweet with them in the future. I had always loved the FalPals and after reading their tweets, knew they were the most awesome people in the world, just like Jimmy always said. They didn't care that I was on the heavier side. They were happy that I was making their idol happy by dating him.

However, those were only a fraction of my tweets. The others, well let's just say they were rude and downright nasty. I couldn't believe the sheer number of tweets, vulgar pictures and statements of where I could go for being with Jimmy.

I knew I had signed up for this amount of publicity when I started dating Jimmy. But to have people attacking me solely on my weight and appearance shook me to my core. All the walls of insecurities that Jimmy had started to tear down were instantly back up in my mind and heart.

I sat on the bed, knees to my chest, my arm wrapped around them and holding my phone, staring at the tweets still pouring in like poison. I began to think that I should pack up my things and head back to Michigan. That Jimmy didn't deserve me and would be better off without me in his life. The tears of pain and frustration and anger poured down my face, like an angry cloudburst midday.

The door to the room opened, Jimmy asking, "Hey babe! You didn't come out so I thought..." His words died on his lips. I didn't look up; I couldn't. I didn't want him to see the pain and self-loathing in my eyes.

"Please go away," I said simply, my voice cracking with emotion. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts; which really isn't good even on good days.

Jimmy didn't say anything, but I felt the bed give as he climbed in next to me. He gently took my phone from my hand and began scrolling through my account.

"Oh dear God," he whispered as he looked at the tweets. I could hear him mumbling before saying out loud "Assholes," as he tossed my phone to the bed.

As he wrapped his arms around me, I could feel the tears falling from his eyes to my arm. I leaned in to his chest, my head still bowed and began to weep even more freely. He held me close, letting his chin rest on the top of my head.

"It'll be okay baby, you wait and see. You are my girl and no one will ever change my mind," he said quietly, holding me closer to him.

I couldn't take his kindness; I knew I didn't deserve it. "I don't know about that. I don't know that I should stay. People obviously hate me and will only make you miserable. And I don't want that. I don't want you hurt or attacked because of me."

I felt him pull back, and I looked up. His eyes were filled with hurt and disappointment, the very things I hoped to not see in his beautiful brown eyes. I bowed my head in shame before climbing off the bed and heading to the closet, pulling out my suitcase.

"What are you doing?" Jimmy asked quietly, not moving from his spot on the bed.

The tears were falling fresh again as I began to pack my things. "I think I'd better be leaving. I can't bear to hurt you and I know I am and will continue to do so. I told you the first day I met you, I'm damaged and have baggage and now apparently I'm some sort of freak who's not good enough to be seen with you, let alone be loved by you. I'm sorry Jimmy. I'm sorry you have to go through this. But I can't bear to see the disappointment, the heartache, the hurt in your eyes. I don't want your fans to attack you because of who you're dating. You don't deserve that. You deserve so much better than me."

I stopped, staring at the shirt I was packing. It was the same one I wore the day Jimmy found me in the park and begged me to let him in my heart. It was also the same one I wore the day I had been shot at the studio.

I held the shirt close before I collapsed to the floor, sobs wracking my frame. I doubled over forward, my head resting on the ground, clutching the garment close, the memories of the love Jimmy obviously had for me and the horror that I had just thrown all that away flooding through me. I knew he wouldn't love me now. The pain in my heart was radiating all over my body, igniting the flame of self loathing and shame.

I felt hands on my shoulders, helping me to sit up some. I stayed bent over, my hair spilling around my tear-stained face, my shirt still tight against my chest. The hands never left my shoulders, rubbing them soothingly.

I glanced up through hair that was wet from tears and a mess from all the hairspray earlier in the day. Jimmy was sitting next to me, his face lined with worry and fresh tears. He cupped my chin in his hand. "Please Karen. Please stop coming down so hard on yourself. I love you so much and it kills me to see you like this. I don't care what those so-called fans are saying. I don't care about any of that. I just care about you."

I pulled away, horrified that Jimmy still wanted to love me. I felt terrible for the way I acted: it was like I was a moody teenager. But here I was, thirty years old and I was treating Jimmy so badly.

I scooted as far away as I could from Jimmy, not wanting him to touch me or even look at me. I was so ashamed at myself for everything that had happened and how I was acting.

My back slammed into the night stand, disturbing the lamp that was on it. It toppled off, landing on the floor next to me, shattering on impact.

I felt pain in my right leg and looked down to see a piece of the lamp base stuck pretty deep in my upper thigh. Blood began to ooze out of the wound and onto the hardwood floor below.

I looked up in shock when I heard Jimmy cry out, "Karen!" He had kneeled next to me and placed a hand on my knee and was staring at the piece of glass that was protruding from me. The shock melted into pain.

I wordlessly looked from my leg to Jimmy before I passed out.